


Mixology

by emilyevanston



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Oral Sex, Reader-Insert, Romance, Shower Sex, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, awesome cocktails, bad decision making, steve rogers has a big dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:23:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyevanston/pseuds/emilyevanston
Summary: You meet Steve Rogers while working as a mixologist at a bar one night.  Months later and you meet again.





	1. The Wingman

The music in the bar has that loud thud thud that makes hearing customers orders difficult.  You have been on shift for a couple of hours now.  Manning the bar with the very serious Davide and the very flamboyant Brian. You seriously love this job. You’ve been travelling around the world for a while now, getting jobs at bars wherever you’ve gone, but this has to be the best place you’ve ever worked.  Your coworkers are amazing, your customers are all fantastic.  No one harasses you, and the very rare times a straight guy came in and decided that the fact you were there possessing a vagina so therefore you must want to use that vagina with him, it took three seconds flat for around ten guys to intervene and drive him out.  Plus, the owner of the bar also owns the building and is letting you rent an apartment upstairs for peanuts. **  
**

A couple of guys enter the bar.  You worry for a moment.  Despite the fact they are both extremely fit and gorgeous they also look uncomfortably out of place.  Your first thought is gay bar tourists.  So you keep half an eye on them while you continue to make drinks in case they cause trouble.  

It becomes pretty evident that they aren’t gay watching when one of the locals goes over and starts hitting on them and ends up being dragged onto the dance floor by the guy who seems much more confident in his surroundings.

The other one approaches the bar and sits down at the end, keeping his friend in his line of sight.  He really is remarkably good looking.  Tall, blond, broad shouldered with a tiny waist. Stunning blue eyes that have eyelashes so long that you’re honestly a little jealous of.  His arms are something else too.  He’s wearing a light blue button up shirt, but it is so tight around his biceps that you can clearly see the shape of them.  He’s also rolled up the sleeves, and his forearms are thick and veined.  For what might be the first time ever you curse the fact this is a gay bar.  

You’re about to approach him when one of the regulars grabs your arm.  

“Can you send him a drink from me?”  He says.

“Sure, babe.  What’s your poison?”  You ask.

“Maybe something like an old fashioned?  I bet he would like that.”  He says.

You have no idea what that means, but you grab a glass and muddle some sugar and bitters around the edge.  You pour in some wild turkey and a dash of water and approach the guy.  

“This here is from tall dark and handsome at the end of the bar.”  You say sliding the glass in front of him.  

He looks up at you startled.  “Oh, uh …”  He glances down at the man who had sent him the drink and then back at you.

“Not interested?”  You ask.

“I’m just here because my friend said he wanted a wingman.”  He answers.

“Want me to go throw it in his face?”  You ask trying to put him at ease.  It does the opposite and makes him panic.

“No.  No.  I don’t want to turn him down like that.”  He says waving his hands in front of him.

“Shall I go let him down easy for you?”  You offer.

He nods.  “Please.”  

You walk back over to the regular and shake your head.  “Sorry.  You’re really not his type.  Like really, really.”  

“What do you mean?”  He asks.

“Well, I think maybe I might be more his type.”  You answer.  

“Aw shit. Why are all the good ones straight?”  He laughs and you join in.  

You keep your eye on the hottie.  He in turn keeps watching you, but he’s also keeping half an eye on his friend.  His friend is doing very well for himself.  He will definitely be getting laid tonight.  When hottie finishes his drink you decide to make him another.  You’re feeling a little playful, so you decide to make him something to see if you can make him blush.  

You grab the triple sec, peach schnapps and midori.  You add them to a glass in equal parts, and take the drink to him.

“I’ve come offering a cockteaser.”  You say, sliding drink to him.  

He looks startled again.  “You what?”

You laugh.  “It’s the name of the drink.  I made it for you.  Mr?”

“Oh thank you.  Steve.”  He answers.

You cock an eyebrow at him.  “Mr Steve?”

He’s flustered now, and you kind of feel bad for teasing him like that.  “No, uh.  Rogers.  But it’s Captain.  Uh… Just Steve is fine.”  He says.  “Is this drink really called that?”

You laugh.  “Sure is.  I don’t make them enough considering it’s a gay bar.  And you’re sitting here all alone being such a good friend.  You should at least get a drink out of it.”

You leave him alone again continuing doing your job.  It’s busy tonight and between the three of you behind the bar, you don’t stop for a breath too often.  You keep your eye on Steve though.  Men will approach him periodically and he continues to turn them down.  They never look like they’ve been hurt by his rejection though.  You like that he is letting them down easy each time.  You see that he’s finished his drink so you decide to make him another.  

“Sex on the beach?”  You ask as you sidle over to him.

He laughs.  “See, I know that one is a cocktail.”  

“Oh then how about a blowjob instead?”  You counter.

He blushes.  Actually really blushes.  “What about sex on the beach first.  We can do the blow job later.”

You hold your hand to your heart like your scandalized.  “Mr Steve.  Are you propositioning me?”  You pull out the orange and cranberry juices, the vodka and the peach schnapps and layer each liquid in the glass so that it makes a beautiful orange to red ombré in the glass.  

You put it in front of him and he takes a sip.  “I like this one.”  He says smiling up at you.  

“Yeah, it’s kind of refreshing.”  You agree.  You both hold each other’s eye contact for a while.  “Yeah so, uh.  Job to do.”  You say and jerk your thumb over your shoulder.  

The night moves on.  You do give Steve that blowjob a little later.  He invites you to take the shot with him, and despite technically not being allowed to drink on the job, you accept anyway.   You’re also surprised by how little the alcohol is affecting him.  He’s now mixed several different alcohols and had quite a few standard drinks but he still seems completely sober.  

The bar starts to empty and you mix him another drink. Brian has been nudging you and whispering about him all night.  Now that it’s more quiet he wants you to get to know him better.

“Here I am with one hot pussy.”  You say putting the drink down in front of him.  

He blushes again.  He looks at his hands, and mumbles something.

“Didn’t quite catch that.  Sorry, Steve.”  You say.

“I said;”  He shakes his head like he can’t believe what he’s about to say.  “I can see that, and what’s the drink called?”

You burst out laughing.  “That was amazing.  I love it.”  You say putting your hand on his.  

“So you know my name, but I still don’t know yours.”  He says taking a sip of the very pink drink you just placed in front of him.

“It’s y/n.”  You reply.  “Now tell me, you know what I do, how about you?”

Steve looks at you like he can’t quite believe that you just asked that.  “You really don’t know who I am?”  

You give him a puzzled look.  “Should I?”

His friend comes over and claps him on the shoulder.  “What the hell are you drinking, Cap?”

Steve shakes his head and mumbles his reply.

“It’s a hot pussy.  You want one?”  You answer for him.  His friend cracks up laughing.

“No thank you.  I got myself some hot ass instead.”  He laughs.  “Speaking of which.  I’m heading out, Cap.  Are you right getting home without me?”

“Of course, Sam.  Enjoy your night.”  He pats Sam on the back and Sam heads out with his date.

It suddenly dawns on you who you’ve been talking to all night.  Your hands fly to your mouth.  “You’re Captain America!”  You squeak.  

Steve looks at you.  He looks serious, but not angry.  “No, Captain America is what I do.  I’m Steve.”  

You shake yourself.  “I’m sorry.  I just feel like an idiot.  I’ll just … job.”  

You go back to serving people, and cleaning up.  You’re sure he’ll leave now.  Justifiable really.  How could you have been that oblivious.  He finishes the drink but he doesn’t move. Just stays seated at the bar.  He watches you, but no in a creepy way.  Just keeping half an eye on you while he crowd watches.

The bar starts emptying out at around 1am.  At two Brian calls last drinks.  You fill a glass with ice and pour Kahlua, Bailey’s and Amaretto over it.  You skewer some cherries with a toothpick and balance it on the side of the glass.  You consider just drinking it.  This is stupid, but Brian nudges you in Steve’s direction.

You put the drink down in front of him, and he wraps his large hand around the glass.  He looks up at you, waiting for the line he knows you have.

“There you are, Steve.”  You say.  “I just gave you an orgasm.”

Steve laughs and shakes his head.  “Maybe you’ll let me return the favour.”

You smile and lean into him.  “Captain Rogers …”

“Steve.”  He says, putting his hand on yours.

“Steve,”  You continue.  “I live upstairs.  Would you like to come home with me?”

Steve smiles.  “I would love to.”

You end out your shift cleaning off the tables and stacking the chairs onto them.  Steve comes to help you and you both chat.  Not about anything in particular.  Just small talk.  He’s a little shy which you find endearing.

When you’re finally completely finished you grab your coat and hook your elbow around Steve’s.  “Shall we?”  You say.

Steve nods and you take him out the front door.  The entrance into the apartments is only a few yards from the entrance to the bar. You lead Steve inside and hit the elevator call button.  It’s slow and you stand holding his hand while you wait for it to arrive.

“I’m actually only a few floors up.”  You say.  “But what’s the point of living in a building with an elevator if you can’t make out in it once in awhile?”

Steve chuckles.  “Would you like me to do that thing where I lift you up and slam you against the wall they always do in movies these days?”

You look up at him and bite your lip.  “Yes, please.”

The elevator arrives and you both step inside and hit the number 4.  You turn to Steve and he leans down, capturing your mouth with his.  His hands slide down your back to your ass and he lifts you pushing you against the wall.  You wrap your legs around his slim waist and your hands to go this hair.  You devour each other, mouths clashing together.  He grinds his hips into you.  

The elevator ride is over too soon and he drops you to your feet.  You walk down the hall to your apartment and fumble with your keys, still light headed from the kiss.  As soon as you’re through the door to your studio apartment he’s on you again, his hand on your face.  You stumble backwards to your bed, kicking off your shoes and unbuttoning his shirt as you go.  He has a singlet underneath.  An honest to god singlet.  You pull it up and scrape your fingernails over his over developed abdominal muscles.  

He pushes you back onto the bed and crawls up in between your legs.  It is then that one of them most mortifying things that could happen when you’re engaging in foreplay with someone could happen. You yawn.  Not a little, accidentally slip out yawn.  A large, gaping mouth, take over your body yawn.  

“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I do really want this.”  You stutter.  

“That bad is it?”  He asks, raising his eyebrow at you.

“No! No, no. I swear to god.  I’ve just been up for 18 hours now.”  You explain.   “I promise.  I’m really into it.”

Steve laughs.  “You know, I can beat that, I was up at 5 this morning.  I’m exhausted.  I didn’t want to say.  These things usually have limited windows. Would you be opposed to actually sleeping now?  We can do the other stuff in the morning?”

You breathe a sigh of relief.  This is actually a little exciting.  You have the day off.  You can sleep with this gorgeous man in your bed and then just devote the whole day to fucking his brains out tomorrow.  “You really don’t mind?”  

He rubs his hand over the back of his head.  “Not only do I not mind, I think I’d like it.”

The two of you get ready for bed.  It feels like such a cute domestic thing to do considering you’ve only just met.  You pull out one of your spare toothbrushes and the two of you stand at the vanity together brushing your teeth.

Steve strips off to his boxers and singlet.  It’s amazing how a guy who’s wearing grandpa clothes can be so completely, disgustingly hot.  You aren’t sure what to do.  You would normally either sleep naked or in warm, flannel pajamas.  Neither seem quite appropriate.  You settle on one of the cami sets you own.  It’s light blue and more on the cute side than the sexy side.  

Now the only question is do you just strip naked in front of the stranger in your room?  You were going to have sex with him not even fifteen minutes ago, he would have seen you naked.  So why does it feel weird to just change clothes in front of him?

It’s like Steve has read your mind.  He walks up behind you and moves your hair off your neck.  He nuzzles at your throat and his hands slide up under your t-shirt.  He pulls it up over your head and turns you to face him.  He deftly unfastens your fly and pushes your shorts down.  You step out of them and he brings his lips to yours. You kiss slowly, lips caressing each others.  His hands roam your body and settle, one on your throat, the other on your breast.  His thumb rolling over your nipple through the fabric of your bra.

He pulls away from you, his hands moving down to your hips.  “I’d like to see you.”  He says.  The way he says it puts you at ease.  It’s not an order, but it sort of is.  It’s a little hopeful too.  Like he’s looking forward to it.

You unfasten your bra and slide it down your arms.  He places his large hands on your breasts and circles his thumbs over your areolae.  There is a dark hunger in his eyes, and he runs his tongue over his bottom lip.  You shudder and stand waiting for him to finish.  When he removes his hands you remove your panties.

“Come to bed.”  He says and steps away from you.  

You pull on your cami set, switch off the light and climb into bed next to him.  He pulls you into his arms, and you snuggle into his chest.  

That’s how you fall asleep wrapped in the arms of Captain America.

* * *

 

You wake to the sound of whimpering.  Steve starts to thrash in the bed next to you.  

“Bucky, no!”  He cries amongst general unintelligible murmuring.  You hug yourself against his body and run your palm over his brow.

“Shh… you’re safe, Steve.”  You whisper into his ear.  

His arms wrap around you again.  “I gotta put her in the water.”  He mumbles.

“It’s just a dream.  You’re safe.”  Somehow you know that’s not true.  It isn’t just a dream. You continue to whisper to him, running your hands through his hair.  He whimpers for a little longer, burying his face into your neck then stills.  This time when you drift back off to sleep it’s him in your arms.


	2. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up with Steve Rogers wrapped around you. Now it's time to get down to the good stuff

You wake up engulfed from behind by large arms.  The room is filled with light and you open your eyes glancing at your clock.  10.30.  Decent sleep in, in the end.  Steve stirs beside you.  His grip tightens around your body, pulling you against him.  He nuzzles his face into your hair and presses his hips against you.  He’s hard and his erection pushes against your ass.

“Good morning.”  You say.  You run your fingers down his forearms, tracing your finger tips over the prominent veins that lead down to his hands.

He hums and his hands start roaming over your body.  You don’t want him to stop, but your stupid bladder has other ideas.

He rolls away from you suddenly and sits up.  “I better call work.  Tell them I’m not coming in.”  

He picks his phone off the bedside table.  It’s one of those Stark Tech ones and he swipes his finger around the screen for a second before holding it to his ear.  

“Good morning.  It’s Captain Rogers.  I won’t be able to make it in today …  I injured myself on my morning workout … No, I don’t need medical attention … I am aware of that.”  He holds his phone out in front of him then looks back at you.  “Battery went flat.  That’s a shame.”  He carefully places the phone back on the bedside table and rolls back over, pinning you to the bed.

“Now,”  He says, kissing that spot just below your ear, “I think we should take a shower together.”

You wriggle out from underneath him.  “Okay, but I need to pee first.”  You squeak and dash into the bathroom.

After you’re done, you brush your teeth and let Steve use the bathroom too.  When you hear the shower start up you go back in to join him.  He’s already naked and standing under the water so you strip off and climb in with him.  When he turns to you, you nearly audibly gasp. You actually bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from making a sound.

He is literally the most perfect example of a human being you’ve ever seen.  Every single muscle on his body is huge and well defined.  His cock though.  His cock is a dildo creators wet dream.  It is thick and long, and just perfect.  Veined without being too veined.  Totally straight.  You try and remember if you’ve ever seen cock as big as his before.  Not in person, that’s definitely true.  In porn?  Maybe.  It’s a little intimidating if you’re honest with yourself.

You wonder if you should compliment him.  Do guys like that?  Fuck it, you’re doing it anyway.  “Nice package you’re sporting there, pal.”  You grin at him like the idiot you currently feel like and mentally curse yourself.

He starts laughing.  “Thank you?”  He says.  

You shake your head and start giggling.  “I’m sorry.  I’m an idiot.”

He takes your hand and pulls you towards him.  He guides your fingers to his cock and moves them up and down his length.  He stiffens under your palm and you wrap your fingers around it.  As you pump your fist up and down his shaft he starts kissing you.  He spins you both so you’re under the water and pushes you against the wall.  His mouth moves down your neck to your chest.  Each kiss is accompanied by the graze of teeth on your skin.  

When he reaches your breast he teases your nipple with his teeth and the point of his tongue.  When your nipple hardens he moves to the other breast and repeats the process.  After what feels like a tortuously long time he sucks one nipple into his mouth.  It sends a jolt through you and you groan.  Your head falls back, pressed against the shower wall and you lift your leg and wrap it around Steve’s waist, pulling him against you.

“Steve,”  You breathe, “Let me …”

He pulls away from you and you drop to your knees.  You run your tongue up his length, tracing it over the veins and ridges.  You take him into your mouth, sucking on the head.  His hips move forward and you allow him to push his cock further into you, opening your throat for him. It feels like the amount you can take isn’t as much as what you can’t though.  So you use your hands on his shaft and stroke him as you suck and lick and roll your tongue over his dick.

Steve places his hands on the bathroom wall and leans against it as you bring him to orgasm with your mouth.  

“Y/N, I’m gonna…”  He pants a warning.  You increase your speed, sucking harder, forcing as much of him down your throat as you can.  You want him to come in your mouth.  You want to taste him.  Swallow what he can give you.

He comes with a jerk and you drink him down.   He pulls you to your feet and crouches in front of you.  His tongue slips between your folds and as he runs it it up towards your clit you put your leg over his shoulder.  He presses his tongue down on your clit.  You gasp and he grabs your other leg and lifts you from the floor.  You lean back against the wall and grip the shower head to stop you from falling.  Steve laps and sucks at your pussy.  It’s like he’s paying close attention to every move and sound you make, because he goes from moving his mouth around your folds to focused directly on that little mound of nerves that set you off coming into his mouth.  

He adjusts you so that you slide down his front, setting you onto your feet.  “Wow.  That was crazy.”  You say.

Steve laughs.  “Thanks for trusting me.”  He says and kisses you on the top of your head.  He grabs your shower puff and squirts some of your blueberry shower gel into it.  Slowly and tenderly he washes you.  It makes your scalp prickle as he lathers up your body.

“I don’t think I’ve even had an actual boyfriend who did anything like that before.”  You breathe.

“I’m sorry to hear that.  You deserve to be looked after.”  Steve says.  

You both finish up the shower.  You put on a robe and Steve just stays with his towel wrapped around his waist.

“You hungry?”  You ask.

“Starving.”

You put on some coffee and start mixing pancakes.  It takes a while because Steve won’t keep his hands off you.  He stays close behind you, running his hands over your ass, gripping your waist.  He’ll kiss and nuzzle at your neck and randomly spin you to face him so you can kiss as he grinds into you.  Finally you get the mixture ready and you turn on your griddle.

“I can add something to these if you want.  I have choc-chips and blueberries.”  You offer.

“I should say the blueberries shouldn’t I?”  Steve asks.  

You shrug.   “It’s already fat, sugar and carbs.  I think you can do whatever you want at this point.”

“Choc-chips.”  

As you cook Steve starts looking around your apartment.  “You like bartending?”  He asks.

“Not always. The job I have now is good.  I’ve just been using it as a way to see the world.  Means I can see a place for longer.”  You reply.

“How long have you been travelling for?”  

You pause and think, serving up a pancake and sliding it over your breakfast bar to him.  You pour him a coffee and put the creamer on the counter for him to add himself.  “About three years I guess.  I liked going around Europe a lot.  My visa ran out though, so now I’m just seeing as much of the states as I can. You must have seen a bit of Europe too.”

Steve laughs, but it’s slightly uncomfortable.  “It was a little different when I saw it.”

“Shit.  Sorry.  Of course.  That must have been horrible.  I couldn’t imagine having to live when you’ve been part of that.”  You say.  Your words seem to have made it worst though.  He darkens.  “Sorry.  Why am I bringing shit like this up.  I’m the worst one night stand ever.”

Steve walks around the bar into the kitchen.  He turns you to face him and wraps his arms around you, pulling you into an embrace.  “Don’t talk about yourself like that.  You aren’t a one night stand.”

You shake your head.  “That’s not what this is?”

“It might be what this is.  It isn’t what you are.”  He says.  Why do his words both hurt and feel amazing?  You don’t feel bad about having casual sex but it’s like he sees you.  You aren’t just a hole he can stick his dick into.  He sees the person you are.  “The things I do…  My past…”  He pauses and shakes his head.

“You don’t have to…”  

“Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t the easiest to live with.  You live with it because you have to.”  He finishes.  He reaches past you, picks up the spatula and flips the pancake on the griddle.  “Now I didn’t take off work to dwell on bad things.  Happy talk from now on.”  His hands go to your face and you kiss. You never want it to end.  If you died right now, it would be happy.  

He lets you go and you serve up the pancake and make yourself a coffee.  You go sit down on the couch and Steve joins you.  

“What made you want to travel?”  He asks, taking a bite of pancake.

“The world is big, and my life experience was small.  I didn’t really have anything to keep me tied down, so why not?”  You explain.  “It’s been good.  You never wanted to travel?”

“I guess it would be good to see the world as a civilian.”  He says.  He opens his mouth like he’s going to say more and then closes it again.

“I spent some time in Australia.  I met these people and we went into the bush.  That’s what they call the forest there.  Did you know that?”  you say. Steve shakes his head. “It’s funny isn’t it.  Going into the bush.  Anyway… we found this pond I guess you’d call it.  They said it was a billabong. Australian’s are weird.  We decided to skinny dip.  When we got out, some animal had taken half our clothes.  That was a fun return trip.”

Steve starts laughing and you move your feet so they are pressed up against his leg.  “What did you do?”

“Well we shared what was still there between us, and we hid behind trees a lot.”  You hook your toes into his towel and pull it so it falls loose around him.  He smirks at you.  “You ever gone skinny dipping?”

“Me?  No, never.”  Steve says.  He puts his plate onto the coffee table.  He pushes your legs apart and starts kissing up your calves.  Each kiss end with a soft bite.  Each bite gets harder the further up he travels.

“Maybe you should.”  You say.  “Live dangerously.”

He looks up at you.  “You don’t think my life has enough danger in it?”  

You stab a piece of pancake onto your fork, and offer it to him.  He takes a bite and you put your plate down next to his.  “See that’s different.  You go out and do what you do.  Save the world. You risk your life sure.  Maybe you’ll get injured, maybe you die.  You’re still seen as Captain America.  You go out and get caught skinny dipping with some friends.  Or maybe some lovers even.  You can’t physically get hurt. But if you get caught, well then people get to see Steve don’t they?  Maybe they don’t like what they see?”

“I’m not sure that Steve is the kind of guy who goes skinny dipping though.”   He says.  He runs his face up the inside of you thigh.  With his morning stubble it scratches and you squirm a little.

“Steve?”  He looks up at you and smiles.  “They say you can’t get sick, is that true?”

“Yes.  One of the things the serum did for me.”  

You bite your lip and run you fingers down his jaw.  “Well, I’m on birth control.  If you want to forego any other protection.  I’m okay with it.  It’s up to you.”

“You’re trusting me with a lot.”

“You’re not trustworthy?”  You ask.

“I like to think I am.  But you don’t really know me.”  He pulls the tie on your robe and pushes it open.  

“You don’t know me either.  I could be lying about the birth control.  I’m not.  I think you’re trustworthy.  Now it’s in your court to decide if I am.  I won’t be offended if you decide I’m not.”  

Steve gets up.  He picks you up bridal style and carries you to the bed, placing you gently on the mattress.  You look him over again and feel real trepidation over what you’re about to do. What if he doesn’t fit?  What if trying to force him to really hurts?

He climbs between your legs again resuming the little kissing expedition up your legs that he’d started on the couch.  Each kiss is lips, followed by the graze of teeth.  They make your skin tingle all over, and when he reaches your pussy the last kiss on your thigh is not kiss at all.  He bites you, pulling at your flesh with his teeth.  You moan and heat floods your cunt.  

He runs his nose up between your folds.  Its point briefly touches on your clit and you hiss, the muscles in your legs tightening.  His tongue flicks over that swollen bundle of nerves sending wave after wave of pleasure through you.  Two of his fingers are inserted into your cunt.  He curls them stroking them over your internal walls.  Teasing over your g-spot.  He moves them like he’s trying to coax an orgasm out of you.  Beckoning it to him.

You start to writhe and moan under him.  Your orgasm builds and you grip the sheets squeezing your eyes closed as you focus on it.  “Steve, of fuck!  Oh god!”  You cry.

“Not yet.”  He growls.  

You open your eyes and look down at him startled.  He is watching you now.  He removes his fingers from your cunt only to quickly return them with a third.  He strokes them inside you, and twists his hand so his knuckles grind against your g-spot.  You cry out arching your back.

“Do you like that?”  He asks.  

“Oh god yes.  Please.”  You moan.

He spreads his fingers inside you, increasing the pleasantly full sensation inside you.  “You feel that?”  He asks.

“Yes.  Please, Steve.  Please.”  You plead with him.

“I’m no bigger than that.”  He said.  “You don’t need to be worried.  I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Okay.”  You whimper.  He curls his fingers and returns his mouth to your clit, nibbling on it.  His fingers press down on your g-spot and you come, clenching around his fingers.   

He removes his hand and crawls up your body, placing kisses at random intervals as he approaches your mouth.  When his body is aligned with yours you grab his hair and pull him into a kiss.  Your tongue exploring his mouth.

He pulls away from you and you chase him, sucking his bottom lip.  He smiles at you and takes your hand guiding it to his cock.  He wraps your fingers around his girth.  

“You’re in control.”  He says, looking deep into your eyes.  “Guide me to where it’s comfortable.”

You line his cock up with your entrance and he slowly pushes in.  You sigh as he fills you, paying close attention to how his cock feels inside of you.  Your head tilts back slightly, your lips parted and he places small kisses along your jaw.  

His cock hits a spot where there is a slight sting and your grip tightens around him.  He stops pushing and he tilts your face back to his.  “There?”  he asks.

You let your body adjust and you shake your head.  “More.”  You breathe.

He pushes in further.  You feel him reach that limit where pleasure becomes pain and you stop him.  You let his cock go wrapping your arms around the back of his neck.  He allows you a moment to adjust to him and he begins to thrust.

It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.  He alternates between a gentle, pleasant rhythm allowing you to feel his cock run along the ridges of your cunt, to just pounding into you so you can’t even catch your breath.  You feel like you’re about to come undone.  Just when you think this is it, nothing can possibly feel any better than Steve Rogers’ dick inside of you, he brings his arm between your bodies and his fingers find your clit.  

You come.  Explosively.  Clinging to him as if he’s somehow stopping you from falling into an abyss.  You yell his name, and he bites down on your shoulder, grunting as he spills inside of you.  

He slips out of you and collapses down beside you.  You link your fingers with his and just lie on your back beside him panting.

“I think you just ruined me for all men, Steve.”  You say.  “I have to switch teams now.  Or maybe just give up sex forever.  Because that was it.  That was the best sex I’m ever going to have.”  
  
Steve starts laughing and he pulls you into his arms.  “Don’t say that.  We still have most of the afternoon available to us.”


	3. Partings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Steve waste the rest of the day together and then it's time to part

You and Steve sit cross legged on your bed.  You’re wearing a robe and Steve has pulled his boxers back on.  You’re playing crazy eights.  You keep trying to cheat, because every time he catches you he starts tickling you.  

“You know earlier, you said that you didn’t think Steve was the kind of guy who would go skinny dipping?”  You ask.  

Steve draws a card from the deck and you scan your hand to see if you can play anything.  Top card is a six of hearts so you play a six of spades.  

“Yes.”  Steve says, playing a jack of spades.  

“Why only think?  How do you not know if Steve would go skinny dipping?”  You ask.

Steve looks at you and mulls over his answer.  “I guess I never got to know that side of me.  When I was young I was sick all the time.  My mom kept a close eye on me.  I never learned to swim, she wouldn’t have allowed that.  Then post serum, I’ve just had to be responsible.  That’s what I am, isn’t it?  Responsible?”

You play a four of spades but tuck a 3 of clubs under it.  

“I saw that!”  Steve cries, pouncing on you.  The cards go flying and his hands dig into your ribs and squirm up under your arms.  You squeal thrashing under him trying to get away.  There is a sudden shift.  He pulls you into him, his mouth meets yours, sucking and biting at your lips.  

His mouth moves down your jaw and you link your fingers around the back of his head.

“You lied to the military or the government or whatever…”

“SHIELD.”  He corrects you before continuing to kiss down along your neck.  He sucks hard on your skin.  You hum.  He’s marking you and normally that would bother you.  It feels so fucking good though, you can’t even make yourself care.

“You lied to SHIELD about being injured so you could hang out in a studio apartment fucking a stranger all day.”  You continue.  “That doesn’t sound too responsible to me.”

“You really want me to go skinny dipping, don’t you?”  He asks.  

You shrug.  “It doesn’t have to be that.  I just think you should do something for Steve or else all you’re going to be is Captain America.  You seemed so adamant that that’s not who I saw when I saw you.  Be a shame to lose Steve.”

He props himself up on his elbows over you.  “I sometimes worry that Steve might be gone already.  Most of my friends just call me Cap.  The only person who knew Steve when that’s all I was is in a nursing home and she doesn’t always remember who I am.”

You stroke your fingers along his jaw. “If that’s true, why did you want me to be so sure I saw Steve and not Cap like your friends?”

Something in him seems to deflate. His eyes are filled with real sadness.  You feel a real sense of dread as he opens his mouth.  “Someone has to see him.”

Your breath catches.  You pull him into you kissing him fiercely.  Trying to undo the pain you just dealt him.  He buries his face into your neck.  “I’m sorry, Steve.”  You say, pleading with him to hear you now.  “I do see you.  I see you, Steve.”

He lies just pressed against you for a moment.  “Thank you.”  He says, pushing himself off you.  He starts pacing around the room looking for his clothing, that has been strewn around the room.  “I should probably get going.”

You get up and walk up behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind.   “Please don’t go.  Not yet.”

He stands there, not doing anything.  Just breathing. You can’t see his face, so you have no idea what’s happening in his head.  You listen to his chest.  His heartbeat.  The sound of his breath being drawn in and released.  Eventually he turns in your arms and wraps his around you.  “I’m not sure what you want from me any more.”  

“Nothing.  Just to have a good time. I’m sorry I don’t want it to end like that.”  You plead with him.

He sighs.  “I’ll stay for a bit longer.  I did have some things in mind.”  

You look up at him and trace your index finger over his bottom lip.  “Thank you, Steve.  Are you hungry?”

He nods.  

“Do you want something healthy to make up for the breakfast?”  You ask.

“No.  I want something loaded in carbs.”  He answers.  

You grin.  “I have just the thing.”  

The two of you go into your kitchen and you pull out some eggplants.  You pass them to Steve and ask him to slice them thinly.  As he goes to work you turn on the oven, beat some eggs and pull bread crumbs from your cupboard along with some homemade marinara sauce that Davide’s family had given to you.

“You make marinara from scratch?  I didn’t think people did that these days.”  Steve mused as you take slices of eggplant from him and dip them into the egg wash and breadcrumbs.  

“No, I didn’t.  One of those guys I was working with last night.  The serious one with the ironic mustache.  His family are from Italy.  I guess people still cook from scratch in Italy or something.  They don’t think I take care of myself properly.  So I end up with lots of Italian food.”  You explain.  “No complaints from me though.  It’s awesome.”

“It’s nice that you’ve found people who care for you like that.  Do you think it will keep you here?”  Steve asks.

You shake your head and move the eggplant into the oven to bake. “People only ever superficially care about me.  When it doesn’t take extra thought.  Davide’s family give me pasta sauce because they give everyone pasta sauce. They’d give it to you too if you showed up to their house.  If I really needed help, they wouldn’t be there for me.  When I’m done with DC, I’ll move on.  I was thinking New York next.  That’s where you’re from isn’t it?”

“I think the New York I’m from might be different than today, if you’re angling for a neighborhood recommendation.”  Steve teases.  He comes up behind you while you prepare a glass baking tray with the marinara sauce, wrapping his arms around your waist.  “Maybe you should give people a chance to care about you.  If you keep moving how would anyone get the chance?”

You turn to face him, looking up into his eyes.  “You can talk.  Besides, I grew up giving people a chance.  I have many nice acquaintances, who I enjoy spending time with.  I don’t have close friends.  I never have.  It’s okay.  I don’t let people in very well.”  You lean up and kiss him, just briefly.  “Weren’t we supposed to keep to happy things?”

Steve’s hands slide down to your ass and he lifts you placing you on the kitchen bench.  You start to kiss, taking your time with it.  His hands slip into your robe, pushing it apart.  He lazily explores your body, but never moves his mouth from yours.   

The timer on the over buzzes.  “What needs to happen with these?”  He asks pulling the eggplant out.

“They need to be flipped and put back in for 10 minutes.”  You answer.

He complies and returns to you, taking straight up where he left off.  He starts trailing kisses down your throat and over your collarbone.  One hand goes to your breast and he kneads it.  You hum and clutch at his hair.  He pulls you to the edge of the counter and grinds into you.  

The buzzer goes off again, and you push him away from you reluctantly.  Sliding from the counter you go remove the eggplant from the oven.  You layer it in the dish, sauce, eggplant, mozzarella, eggplant sauce, repeat.  On the very top layer you grate parmesan cheese and you put it back in the oven.  

“That will be about half an hour.”  You say turning to Steve.

“Perfect.”  He says.  He takes you in his arms and turns you to the counter.  He pulls the cord on your robe and slides it down your arms before tossing it into the living room.  His hand run down your arms moving them so you have your hand on the counter palm down.  He shifts your legs apart and his hand moves between them.  

His fingers glide up and down your folds.  You’re already wet.  You’re ready for him.  You need him.  He drops his boxers and his cock presses against your cunt.  He moves his hips slowly against you.  Using his cock to stroke your pussy.  Each forward thrust pushes the head of dick against your clit.  

He licks a stripe up you back and you whimper, pushing back against him.  You raise your hand but he moves it back to the counter.  

“Please, Steve.”  You whine.

“Not yet.”  He purrs, nibbling at your neck.

You whimper and wriggle your hip against him.  “Steve, I need it.  I need you.”

“You need me?”  He teases.  His arm wraps around your waist and his starts toying with your clit, rolling his fingers over it, flicking it.  You moan and lift your hands again.  “Hands on the counter, sweetheart or I’m going to keep you waiting a very long time.”

Your pulse speeds up and you place your hands back down on the countertop.  

“I want to hear it again.  Tell me you need me.”   He growls.

You swallow hard.  It feels like your heart is beating in your throat.  “Steve.  I need you.  Right here.  Right now.  I need you so badly.  Please.”

With no warning he pushes his cock into your cunt.  There is no time to adjust, he just starts thrusting into you.  He never goes further than is comfortable, but he is relentless.  Pounding into you.  Your hands slip over the counter top as you are pushed forward with every thrust.  His fingers remained at your clit, circling and pinching at the small bud.  

You started to moan, an orgasm brewing in you.  Your head fell forward resting on your hands and he grabbed you suddenly by the throat, yanking you upright against him.

“This is what you wanted isn’t it?  What you needed?”  He growls, his mouth so close to your ear you can feel his hot breath tickle your skin.

“Oh god yes.”  You groan as he continues to pound into you.

He pulls out suddenly spinning you to face him and lifts you back onto the counter.  He pulls you to the edge and enters you again.  This time he slows his pace down.  He rolls his hips with each thrust.  

His hands go to your face.  He runs a thumb over your bottom lip before capturing it with his mouth.  You kiss, slowly, languidly but barely let each other up for air.  His hands slide through your hair and down the back of your neck.  Yours cling to him, cradling his head as you kiss.  You might describe this sudden change of pace as making love, if there was in fact any love involved.  It feels intimate and tender and like he might actually care about you.  Except you know he doesn’t.  Not really.  You’re just two ships in the night.  He will move on, as will you.  As it should be.

He lifts you off the counter, his cock remaining buried deep within you, and he carries you to your bed.  He slips out of you and turns you.  You crawl up onto the mattress and he pounces on you pressing you into the bed.  He guides his cock back inside of you and wraps his arms around you neck, so you’re able to rest your head on them.  He is pressed down on you, but despite the fact he’s quite heavy, it doesn’t feel unpleasant.  In fact it’s almost comforting like a heavy comforter on a rainy day.

Steve sucks and nibbles at your earlobe as he thrust and rolls his hip against you.

You hum, closing your eyes.  “Mm… Steve you feel so good.”

“You feel pretty great, yourself.”  He replies.  

This time your orgasm comes on you slowly.  It rolls over you like a wave, encompassing all of you.  Steve comes with you, and the pulse of his cock inside of you heightens your own pleasure.  

Steve slips out and rolls off you, but only enough that his whole weight is no longer on you.  You are still completely wrapped in his body. He pulls you so your head his pressed against his chest, under his chin.  

“Steve.”  You murmur.

“Mmm?”

“You don’t seem like the one night stand kind of guy.  Why are you doing this?”  You ask.

His lips touch the top of your head.  “You might be right.”  He says.  “That person I told you about, the one who’s still alive?”

“Yeah?”

He sighs and his arms tighten around you.  “She was my girl.  We spent two years building a relationship.  I was slow to make a move and when I did we still didn’t really do anything physical about it.  We were waiting until the war was over.  Then I died.  So she moved on.  Only I wasn’t dead.  Now she’s here and she’s lived her life and I still love her.  It feels strange to move on and it feels strange not to.  This is the compromise I can live with for now.  I find people who see Steve and not Cap and I enjoy the brief time I spend with them.  I don’t do it often.  Just from time to time.”

“Well that sucks.”  You say.  

He chuckles softly.  “I take it that you are the one night stand kind of person?”

You laugh.  “Yeah. It’s my preference.  This is the weirdest one I’ve ever had though.  Normally they’re in and out pretty quick.”

“I told you why I do it.  Why do you do it?”

You don’t say anything for a moment, just mulling the question over.  “I don’t know why, but the few men I have attempted relationships with have only stuck around until I agreed to have sex with them.  Then they’ve dumped me.  For a long time I thought maybe I was bad at it.  I have since realized that actually all they wanted was the sex.  So now I skip over the relationship part and go to the sex.  Saves me heartache.”

“Not every man will treat you like that.”  He says.

You laugh.  “I am a terrible judge of which are the good ones and which are the bad ones.  This is easier.”

The smell of smoke drifts across the room, followed by the wail of the smoke detector.  You both jump up suddenly.

“Shit the eggplant!”  You skwark running into the kitchen.  

Steve dashes around the apartment opening windows while you retrieve the ruined eggplant parmigiana from the oven.  The smoke alarm falls silent and Steve comes up behind you peering over your shoulder.  

“Well I’m not eating that.”  He says and pokes you in the ribs.  

You turn to the cupboard and open it.  “Back up plan.”  You say pulling down two boxes of cereal.

Steve picks up the box of Corn Flakes.  “They used to have this back when I was a kid.”  He says.  “Do they still taste like cardboard?”

“They sure do.”  You laugh placing two bowls on the counter.  

“What about these ones?”  He asks holding up the box of Trix.

“They taste like cardboard that’s going to give you a cavity.”

“Well I guess I’ll go for the Trix.”  He says pouring the cereal into one of the bowls.  

“Silly rabbit.”  You tease.  The reference seems to be lost on him though, so you quickly move on pouring your own bowl of cereal.  

You both go and sit on the couch and you put your feet into his lap.  

“Tell me a story from when you were a kid.” You say.

“Okay.”  He takes a mouthful of cereal while he thinks of something.  “Once me and my best friend.  His name was Bucky.  We skipped out of school to play hookey.  We managed to sneak into see a movie.  They caught us.  My mom was called.  She gave our ears such a boxing.  She never told Bucky’s parents though.  He would have gotten much worse.  So she kept it a secret.”

You sigh.  The thought of having someone to have protected you from your parents is something that both feels good and hurts because you never did.

“Now you.”  Steve says.

“Once when I was at school, there were these guys picking on a little girl.  They had her bailed up against a wall.  I was bigger than her, but still much smaller than them.  I went up and punched one so hard in the face that I knocked two of his teeth out.”  You say.  

Steve laughs.  “You sound like me.   I was always the smallest and getting into fights because big guys like to throw their weight around.”

“The unfortunate consequence of that story is, that the school called my parents.  That night my dad wailed on me.  He ended up throwing a table at me when I tried to get away and it broke my collarbone.”  You say.  You don’t know why you decided to tell him that.  You’ve never told anyone that.  

He looks at you sadly but without pity.  His strokes your cheek with his palm.  “You didn’t have anyone to stand up for you, huh?”

You shake your head.

“Bucky used to stand up for me.  When I got into fights.  Which was all the time.”  Steve says.

“Do you know what happened to him?  Did he have a good life?”  You ask.

Steve shakes his head.  “I selfishly kept him with me when he should have gone home during the war.  He died standing up for me one last time.  I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that.”

“Well don’t we make a miserable pair.”

You both put your bowls down and you shift so you are leaning up against him, your head on his chest.  He skims his fingers up and down your arm in an absentminded way. You yawn, and close your eyes.

“I think I might need to take a nap.”  You say.

“Do you want me to leave?”  He asks resting his chin on your head.  

“No.  But you can if you want.  It has to end some time.”  

Steve gets up and pulls you to your feet.  “Let’s nap.”  

You both crawl in bed with each other.  He spoons you, both arms wrapped around your body.  For the second time in less than 24 hours you fall asleep in his arms.

You wake to him stroking his fingertips down your neck.

“Hey.”  You murmur.

“Hello.”  He replies.  “I should probably get going soon.  I have plans with a friend.”

“That’s okay. I understand.”

His fingers trail down over your breasts and dance over your pussy.  You wriggle back against him, and feel his dick begin to harden against your ass.

“I really enjoyed being with you.  I haven’t had a day where I haven’t had to be Captain America for a long time.”  He says.

“You need to be kinder to yourself, Steve.” You whisper.

He laughs.   “And you need to let people be kinder to you.”  His fingers slip between your folds and he circles one over your clit.  “Can I ask something of you?”

“If it’s for anal, that will be a hard pass.  It would take a lot of practice for me to be able to take that.”

Steve bursts out laughing.  “It wasn’t for anal.”  He uses one of his legs to push one of yours forward.  You feel the pressure of his cock pressed against your cunt just before he slides it inside of you.  You gasp, your fingers gripping at his forearm.   “The things we talked about today.  I’d prefer if they didn’t get out.”

“Of course not.  I’m not a monster.”  You reply.  

“Thank you.”  He breathes.  He starts to thrust into you as his fingers roll over your clit and pinch and tweak at your nipples.  He kisses your throat and the back of you neck.

As your orgams builds, he starts getting a little rougher.  He thrusts hard into you, his hand grips your breast and he bites your shoulder.  Pulling at your flesh with his teeth. You pant and moan as your orgasm crests and when it breaks you cry out, reaching back and gripping hold of Steve’s neck.  

He comes shortly after slipping from you.  He holds you for a moment.  Neither of you saying anything.

“I better get going.”  He says finally.  Kissing your cheek and getting up.  

You watch him dress, pulling your own robe back on.  When he’s fully clothed you walk him to the door.  He leans down and kisses you one last time.  

“Steve, promise me you’ll find someone who see’s you.  That you don’t have to be Captain America with.  When you do.  Go skinny dipping with them.  Don’t let them take Steve from you.”  You say.

He touches your cheek and runs his thumb down along your jaw.  “Only if you promise to let yourself be open to someone in the future loving you.”  

He steps out the door and you watch him head to the stairs.  “I see you, Steve Rogers.”  You say.

He turns to you and smiles.  “I see you too, y/n.”

You head back inside and close the door.


	4. Midtown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have moved to New York and a chance encounter might be the start of something new.

It’s late.  Or maybe early was a better description.  Two in the morning and your shift at the hipster bar in Midtown has finally ended.  You’ve been flirting with a guy over the night.  Even though he’d suggested fucking you in the restroom because he didn’t want to wait for your shift to end, you’ve still decided to go home with him.  You hadn’t got laid in months now.  Months and months.  Not since Steve and that was back in DC.  It was time to end the dry spell.  

You follow the guy outside.  What was his name again?  Gary? Jareth … no he’s not the Goblin King, shit.  Uh … Gerald.  Gerald went to flag down a cab while you stand waiting on the sidewalk.  

“Y/N?”  A deep familiar voice says.

You looked around to see who could possibly know you in New York that would be up at two in the morning and you see him.  Steve Rogers is standing in the middle of the sidewalk hands in the pockets of his tan, leather jacket and staring at you.

“Steve?”  You say, startled.  “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.”  He says.  “Uh, there.”  He points at the eyesore that’s the Avengers Tower.  

You laugh.  “Shit, of course you do.  Why are you out so late?”

“What are you doing?  Are you coming?”  Gerald calls.  He’s standing at a taxi, holding the door open.

“Sorry, Gerry, you’re out of luck tonight.  I’ve wasted your time.”  You shoot back.

He storms over to you.  “What did you fucking say, bitch?”  He yells raising his hand.  You close your eyes and hold your arms up over your head.  Broken wrist is better than concussion.  You know that from experience.  

You hear the sound of fist hitting flesh, but you don’t feel anything.  You wonder for a second if you’ve disconnected or something.  When you open your eyes Gerald is clambering to his feet and Steve is standing in front of you.

“Back off, you fucker.  She’s coming home with me.”  Gerald snarls.

Steve just calmly stands there blocking you from Gerald.  “Son, just don’t.”  He says.

Gerald looks for a moment like he might actually pick a fight with Captain America.  He quickly comes to his senses though and scrambles into the back of the cab leaving you alone with Steve.

“Thank you.  I am _way_ worse at picking decent guys than I though.”  You say.  “Sorry you had to …”  

Steve waves his hands like it’s no big deal.  “Are you okay?  Did he hurt you?”  He asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I just feel like an idiot.”  You shake your head and laugh feebly.  “This is why I don’t date.”

Steve looks at you sadly.  “Still?”

You shrug.  “Sorry.”

Steve offers you his elbow.  “Wanna walk with me?”  

You hook your arms through his and the two of you start walking through the city. 

“Why are you walking around at two in the morning, Steve?”  You ask.

Steve shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it.  “I haven’t been sleeping.  Honestly since they pulled me out of the ice, the only decent night’s sleep I’ve had was that one I spent with you.  Since what happened in Washington I’ve barely been sleeping at all.  Did you hear about Washington?”

“Those helicarriers and SHIELD falling apart?  Sure.  Who hasn’t?”  You answer.  “There were rumours that you’d died for a little while, and then it was all your fault.  Then you moved here.  Was it that bad?”  

Steve shrugs and doesn’t say anything.  You decide not to press it.  “Are you liking New York?”  He asks.

“Yes and no.  I like the city.  I hate my job and it doesn’t pay enough for me to actually save any money to move on. It’s mostly tourists and tourists tip like shit.” You answer.  “I should try and find something closer to where I live.  I guess the bright lights drew me in.”

“Where are you living?”  He asks.

“Way out in Queens.  Getting home is fun in the middle of the night, I can tell you.”  You laugh.  

He laughs with you and bumps you with his hip.  “You have a bigger death wish than I do.”

“Excuse me?  I never flew a plane into the ocean.”  You tease.

“I’d take kamikaze flight into the arctic circle over the F train at 2 in the morning.”  Steve shoots back.

You stop walking and he takes a few steps forward and turns to look at you confused.  

“Steve?”  You say, and then shake your head. “No, never mind.  None of my business.”

“What is it?”  He presses.  

“Were you trying to kill yourself when you did that?”  You ask.

“Wow.  You don’t like small talk much.”  Steve says.  

“Yeah.  Don’t answer it. I’m an ass.”  You say.  You hook your arm back into his and you both begin walking again.  This time in silence

You pass a little hole in the wall style pizza place and Steve stops you. “You wanna get a slice?”  He asks.

You agree and the two of you head inside.  You sit at one of the plastic tables and wait for them to heat up the two slices of pizza.  You share a coke.  There was a meal deal and the cups were huge.

“How’s your friend?  The one that was still alive?”  You ask, searching for a topic of conversation.

“About the same.  They moved her to England to be closer to her family though, so I don’t get to see her as much.”  

You take his hand and squeeze it.  “I’m sorry, Steve. I know she meant a lot to you.”

Steve strokes his thumb down your palm.  “I went back to the bar you worked at in Washington.”  He says

“Really?  Why?” You ask.  He raises his eyebrow at you and you start laughing.  “Yeah I moved on not long after we hooked up.  It was time.”

One of the guys working the counter brought the slices over and dropped them on the table on white paper plates.  You and Steve thank him and take a bite.  You’d ordered the Margherita and he ordered a pepperoni.  

You take a bite and moan.  “Why is pizza so good here?  It makes no fucking sense.”

“They say it’s the water.”  Steve says.

“Yeah, well that sounds fake.”  You reply.  Steve laughs.  

“How do you know it’s time to move?”  He asks.

You shrug.  “Depends.  Might be that I feel like I’ve seen what I want to see.  Might just be feeling like I don’t belong there anymore.  I didn’t feel like I belonged in DC anymore.”

“Do you remember me telling you about my friend when I was a kid?  Bucky? He died?”  Steve said. He stares at his hands avoiding eye contact with you.

“Yeah, you ditched school together.”  You say taking a sip of the coke.

“He’s still alive.”  

You almost choke on the drink.  That seems implausible at best.  But then you are sitting across from a man born in 1918 who was frozen for seventy years.  If it could happen once?  “That’s good though isn’t it?”

He shakes his head.  “He’s not him. They did something to him.”

“Who’s they?”  You ask.

“Doesn’t matter.  He tried to kill me, and then he saved me.  Why do you think he’d do that?”  Steve says.

You don’t know what to say, but then you’re not sure he wants an answer.  You’re just a sounding board to his hurt.  Someone who isn’t part of that world who he can talk to at this very moment in time.  “Maybe he is still him.  What are you going to do?”

“I’m trying to find him.”  He shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it again.  “You done?”

You nod your head and wipe your hand on a napkin.  You toss your trash in the can by the door and turn to Steve when you’re both on the sidewalk.  He offers you his elbow again and you link arms with him and begin walking.  

You walk a circuit that spirals in towards the Avengers’ tower.  

“I couldn’t get you out of my head.”  Steve says after a little while.  

You’d been daydreaming.  Daydreaming?  Is that the right word for it when it’s 3AM?  You double take, not sure if you heard him right.  “Sorry, what?”

“That’s why I went back to the bar.  Not because I was hoping we could … well you know?  Though I did hope that too.  I just wanted to see you again.”   He says.  

“Why?  I’m not anything special.”

Steve stops and turns you to face him.  He opens his mouth to say something and closes it again.  Instead he leans in and kisses you.  He still tastes like pepperoni.  For a second you forget all about the fact you’ve sworn of relationships and you give yourself to it.  Your lips part and his tongue dips into your mouth.  You feel you breath catch and you pull away.

“Shit.”  You say, and start walking.  

Steve follows you.  “Y/N.  What are you doing?”

You don’t look back.  You don’t break your stride.  “I made a mistake.  I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t tell me you never thought about that day.”  Steve said, easily keeping stride with you.

“Of course I think about it.  Of course I do.  Why do you think I moved?”  You cry. 

“You said you saw me.”  He says stopping.  

You hesitate and turn back to face him.  “I do.  I do see you, Steve.  You aren’t the kind of person who ends up with me.  The people who end up with me are cruel and they treat me like shit and they hurt me.”  

He takes a step forward.  Not staying anything.  Like he’s trying to sneak up on a wild animal.  “I did.”

You try and make sense of the words.  They are completely out of context and you can’t make them match anything you just said.  “What?”

“I did try and kill myself when I crashed that plane.”  He says, his eyes are just full of pain.  “I told Peggy I had no choice.  Of course I had a choice, but I wanted an out.  I’d done what I’d wanted to do and I was finished.  I couldn’t be Captain America any more.  I knew there was no way I could stop though, so I crashed the plane.  Only I didn’t die.  I just lost everything.  Everyone who knew me. Everything I knew.  Everything.  Now I’m only Captain America.  I didn’t want to do this any more.  Now it’s the only thing I have.”

“So I’m your answer?  Steve, I don’t even know who _I_ am.”

He takes another step towards you.  “I just thought… I thought maybe we could see.  That’s all.  I could take you on a date.”

“You don’t even know me.”

He takes one more step.  He stands close to you, and you look up to him.  “I’d like to get to.”  

“Can I think about it?”  You ask.  

“Of course.”  He offers you his arm, and you link yours with it.

Your spiral has started to form tighter and tighter circles and the tower has begun to loom over you.  You have started to just talk about little things.  Where you each grew up.  What your favourite food is.  Where you first kissed another person.  It’s like neither of you want to say the deep thing that might make you try and flee again.  

The sun starts to creep up.  The way it aligns itself with the grid made by the Manhattan streets makes the buildings look like they’re on fire.  

“If you don’t want to be with me any more, you’ll just tell me?  Don’t cheat on me.”  You say.

“I couldn’t imagine ever cheating on anyone.   I don’t think I have it in me.”  Steve answers.  Of course he could just be saying what you want to hear, but somehow you know that he’s not.

“Steve… Admitting this to myself is hard, so please don’t make fun of me.”  You say.

“Of course not.”  

You swallow hard, fighting with yourself to say the words.  “I’m fragile, okay.  The things that have happened to me.  I like to pretend they made me hard.  They didn’t they’ve made me easy to break and so I avoid letting people get close.  Please don’t hurt me.”

“I’ll do my best.  I think the same might be true for me.”  He says.  

Your hand slides down his forearm.  He’s nearly unbreakable in every way but the way that matters, you could tell that when you first met him.  “I know.”

His fingers link with yours.  

“Would you like to go out with me sometime?  Get dinner?  See a movie?”  Steve asks.

“I’d like that.”  You reply.

You reach the entrance to Avengers Tower and walk him to the large automatic doors.  He leans down and kisses you.  It’s soft and tender and far too brief.  “You look tired.” He says.  “Come inside.”

You nod.  He looks up at a security camera above the door and they slide open you follow him inside.  The doors close behind you.


	5. False Starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake at Avengers Tower and make plans with Steve to have a first date. Things don't always go to plan.

You wake in an unfamiliar room.  Sun seeps through the edges of the curtains and you blink your eyes.  You’re alone.  This never happens.  Normally when you ‘sleep’ with a guy there is never any actual sleep involved.  If you go back to their place you never stay over.  You’ll let them sleep at yours if they want, but you always wake up in your own bed.  

You didn’t even have sex last night though.  It wasn’t even technically last night.  The sun was already coming up with you hopped in bed with Steve Rogers.  God knows what time it is now.  

You sit up unsure what to do.  This isn’t his house.  This is Avengers Tower.  You can’t just go walking through the building in his t-shirt hoping he can point you to a shower.

A voice fills the room.  It’s English and male and scares the shit out of you.

“Good morning.  Captain Rogers requested that I inform you that he has gone to work.  I have paged him to return to his room.  He should be here momentarily.”  It says.

“Where the fuck are you?  Have you been spying on me?”  You yelp, pulling up the covers to your chin.  

“Do not be alarmed.  I am called JARVIS.  I am simply the building AI.  Captain Rogers wished that I inform you that the bathroom is through here.”  A light turns on in a room attached to this one and the door falls open.  “He has left a toothbrush and clean towels for your use.  If you would like to meet him in the living room when you’re done, he will be waiting for you in there.”

You hesitantly climb out of bed and head into the bathroom.  You shower and brush your teeth and redress in the clothes you had on last night.  You tie your hair back into a sloppy bun just to keep it off your face, grab your handbag and go to find Steve.

You don’t have to look far.  You walk through the door and see him in the kitchen preparing coffee using a french press.  A redhead dressed in black and red sits at the counter talking to him.  Steve turns when he hears the door and smiles.

“Afternoon, sleepy head.”  He says.

You approach him and he wraps an arm around your waist and gives you a quick peck on the lips.  “What time is it?”  

“It’s three.”

“Dude, you should have woken me.  I charge by the hour.”  You tease.

The redhead starts laughing and Steve nudges you with his elbow.  “And here I am without my check book.”  He gestures to the woman behind the counter.  “This is Natasha.  Natasha, this is my friend Y/N.”

“Friend?”  Natasha asks, her eyebrow raised.

“Hey if he’s paying, I’ll be whatever he wants me to be.”  

“Cut it out, you.  You’re not going to embarrass me.”  Steve says.  He seems so much lighter and relaxed than last night.  Like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.  “Do you want some coffee?  Something to eat?”

You shake your head.  “I really have to go. I’ve got work in a couple of hours and I gotta go home and change and then come all the way back out here again.”

“You have to eat something.”

“Don’t worry, dad.  I’ll grab a pierogi or something at the subway.”  You say.  You turn to Natasha.  “Nice to meet you.”   

“I hope I’ll see you around more.”  Natasha said.  

You shrug and rub your thumb back and forth over you index and middle fingers.

She laughs and you head to the elevator.  Steve follows you taking your hand in his.  The elevator opens and you step inside.   

“This was a very long elevator ride from memory.”  You say, walking your fingers up Steve’s chest.  

“It was, wasn’t it?”  He says, taking a step towards you. He leans in to you but just as his lips are about to touch yours the elevator comes to a halt and several people enter.  They greet Steve with nods and murmurs of ‘cap’ and then all turn to face the door.  You move so you’re also facing the door, but you press yourself against Steve.  You put both your hands behind your back and start teasing his cock through his pants.  

He grabs your hands and and moves them wrapping both his and your arms around your midriff.

He walks you to the front doors and pulls you to the side, kissing you.  The fact that neither of you are particularly fond of PDA goes right out the window.  You give yourself to it.  Wrapping your arms around the back of his neck and melting into him.  

“I want you to stay.  Go back upstairs and make up for lost time.”  Steve growls.

“Mmm… me too.”  You breathe.  “But I’ve got bills to pay.  We’ll do this later.”  You pull a pen out of your handbag and take his hand you write your phone number down his thumb.

“When do you think I can see you again?”  He asks as you’re writing.  

“I have work all this week.  I can maybe see you for a bit during the day.  Or come meet you after, but it would be really late.”  You answer.

“No.  I want to do this properly.  I want us to date.  Not just fool around.”  Steve says.  

“I have Monday and Tuesday off.”  You offer.

He cups your cheek in his hand and runs his thumb along your jaw.  “I may be going out on a mission.  I’ll call you okay?   Don’t run off on me.”  

You kiss him.  Just softly.  Your lips barely brushing his. “I won’t.  Can’t afford to.”

* * *

It’s weeks before you’re able to come anywhere near being able to organizing a day when both of you are free that could accommodate a date.  You have work, he’s out doing something.  Probably saving the world.  That’s what he does.  You seriously consider just showing up to Avengers Tower after work and skipping the dating thing.  You almost do, and then remember it’s not like you can throw a rock at his window and get him to let you in.  So you don’t.

You text each other regularly for a while.  That is until you start overthinking it.  The fact you can’t coordinate a day to get together seems to be a sign.  It isn’t meant to be.  You aren’t good enough for someone like him.  The world is keeping you apart so that you don’t drag him down into the shit bag that you call a life.

You stop texting him back.  He tries to call you a few times.  He leaves voice mails.  They sound terrified and they break your heart but you tell yourself that he’s better off without you.

You start to just mope around your apartment getting under your roommate’s feet.  If you could afford to move you would.  You consider maybe just not going far.  If you could find a job in Boston maybe you could afford that move.  You start casting the net out to see.  In the meantime you just spend all day in your pajamas eating Doritos and watching infomercials.  You only leave the house to work or buy food.

On your day off you sit around in your Pokemon onesie staring blankly at the TV.  There’s a knock on the door and you don’t move to answer it.  Your roommate, Lizzie makes a frustrated groan and gets up.  She returns a moment later looking a little dazed.

“Captain America is at the door asking for you.”  She says.

You look down at yourself and try and figure out if jumping from a third floor window would kill or seriously injure you and if either of those would be preferable than Steve seeing you dressed as pikachu.  

You go to the door.

He looks at you with his brow furrowed, a scowl on his face.  “Good, you’re alive.  Just needed to make sure.”  He says, and turns on his heels and starts striding away.

You hop from one foot to the other.  You’re in footie pajamas.  How far is he going to make you chase him in them.  You decide you don’t care and take off after him.

“Steve.  Stop!  Please.”  You call jogging after him.  You catch his elbow and he shakes you off.

“Forget it. I thought there was something there.  You didn’t.  I get it.  That’s always how it is for me.”  He says.  He starts taking the stairs two at a time and you have to run to keep up with him.

“Steve.  I’m sorry.  I’m an idiot okay?  I - I thought …”

Steve stops in the stairwell and turns on you.  You collide with him and stumble backwards.  “You asked me not to hurt you.  I didn’t think I needed to specify that you shouldn’t hurt me either.”

You reach for him and he pushes your hand away.  “I just - I thought that …”. You stammer.

“I thought you were dead.  Is what you thought worse than that?”  He snaps.

You shake your head and look at your feet.

“Every person who has ever seen me.  Really actually seen Steve Rogers has died or has been taken away from me.  The first person I trust …” He shakes his head.

You start crying.  Not for yourself.  For him.  For what you just did to him.  “You’re right.  I wasn’t worthy of you.  You shouldn’t have trusted me.”

“Why?  Why would you do this to me?”  He asks.  The pain drips of his words.  You hate that you’re the cause of them.

“I don’t know how to do this.  I thought the fact we couldn’t find a time was the world showing me I wasn’t enough for you.”  You say.  Saying the words out loud makes you realize how stupid they sound.  “Oh god!  I’m so sorry.”  

You fall into him and for a brief moment you aren’t even sure he’ll catch you.  His arms wrap around you, dragging your into a hug that envelops you.

“Can we please go on that date?”  He asks.

You look up into his blue eyes.  “You still want to?”

“God help me, but yes.  I do.”  

You lead him back upstairs and to your apartment.  You go straight to your bedroom shutting the door behind you so that you don’t have to field questions from Lizzie.

“Wait here for me.  I need to shower.”  You say.  “Unless you want to join me?”

Steve shakes his head and you go shower.  When you get back, Steve is poking around your room.  “You don’t have any photos or books.  Nothing personal.  I didn’t notice that last time.”  He says.

You shrug.  “I keep it online.  That stuff is too hard to take places with me.  I just have  clothes.”

You walk up behind him and start rubbing your hands up and down his back.  Something in the way he’s holding himself shifts.  He relaxes more.  The stiff, straight backed Captain America starts to slide away, being replaced by the more relaxed, slightly awkward, happier Steve Rogers.

Your hands press down harder.  You work your fingers into the muscles of his back.  He’s holding so much tension that as you drag you thumbs over his flesh it clicks.  He lets you massage him and you start to nuzzle at his back.  Your hand travel down and you untuck his shirt from his pants.

He turns on you and takes your hands in his.  “Date.”  He says.

You stand on your tiptoes and start to place little kisses down the side of his neck.  “It’s only just 12.  We can do this first.  Then grab some lunch.”  You move your mouth to his and kiss the corner of his mouth.  

“This comes after the date.”  He says before returning the kiss.  He lets your wrists go and you move your hands to his chest.  You slide them down stopping them at his belt.  You start to toy with it and when he makes not move to stop you, you start to unbuckle it.

He walks you backwards towards the bed and unhooks your towel and you let it fall on the floor before you drop down on your mattress.

Steve kisses a trail down your body, sucking and nipping at your skin.  His tongue draws circles on you as he moves closer and closer to your pussy.  When he reaches your stomach you fall backwards and he spreads your legs and lifts them on his shoulders.

He moves his face to your pussy.  His nose touches your folds a split second before you feel his tongue swirl around the entrance to your cunt.  He laps upward and your body twitches and then spasms as you feel first his nose glides over your clit and then his tongue press down on it.  

He focuses his tongue on your clit.  You close your eyes and your hands go to his hair.  As he licks and nips and sucks at that little bundle of nerves, you feel yourself starting to come apart.  You grab a pillow and pull it over your face to muffle the sounds you’re making.  Pressure builds inside of you as your skin prickles all over.  

“Fuck, Steve.  Please.  Please.  I need you.”  You plead.

Steve sits back on his heels and pushes his middle finger into your cunt.  He curls it inside of you, stroking it along your g-spot as he uses his thumb to roll over your clit.  “As much as I like to hear that.  It’s not happening, darlin’.”  He says.  

“Please, Steve.”  You beg.  “I need you inside of me.”

He chuckles.  “I’ll never get over how forward women are these days.  I really like it.  It worried me at first.  I thought there was no way I could keep up.  Turns out, I really like women who know what they want.  I always have.  They make up for my shortfalls.  Teach me things that I wouldn’t otherwise know.”  Another finger joins the first and he corkscrews them inside of you.  “The thing is, in this instance you’re wrong.  The only part of me you need to get what you want is my fingers.  Shall I show you?”

“Oh god, please.”  You cry, arching off the mattress.

He brings his other hand up and his fingers work your clit.  Meanwhile he keeps moving his fingers inside of you side to side.  He curls them as he does and when his knuckles hit your g-spot you gasp and he presses down hard.  You come.  Your orgasm taking complete hold of you.  You smother your cries with the pillow as your body bucks, your legs clamping down around his head.  

Steve pulls away and gets up.

“Holy shit.”  You pant, relaxing back.   You feel spent.  

“Holy shit, indeed.  Now please get dressed so we can go out.”  He says, heading to the bathroom.


	6. The First of Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You begin your first official date with Steve Rogers.

The subway is unusually crowded for the middle of a Tuesday.  People are busking and every now and again someone walks up the length of the train asking for money.  You keep change in your pocket.  Usually a small wad of crumpled up ones that your received as tips to give them so that no one is held up for too long while you search your wallet.  Every time you hand over some money Steve’s smiles at you and touches you.  It’s like he can’t quite believe you exist.

When you get to the stop Steve wants you follow him out and he take your hand.  “Do you always give people money?”  He asks.

“Until I run out.”  You answer.

“But you said you aren’t saving anything here?”

“Yeah, but I have a roof over my head and food.”  You shrug.

You both walk up and out into the cool New York City air.  He leads you in the direction of Central Park.  You both weave through the hawkers out the front.  Steve offers to take you on a carriage ride but you refuse, saying you don’t really like animal tourism.

As you get further in and away from the chaos of the entrance you appreciate the leafy cool of the park.  It’s quiet and feels almost clean compared to the noise and filth of Manhattan.  It’s much cooler in the park than it was in the street and you move a little closer to Steve.  He puts an arm around you.  

“You’re really warm.”  You say, leaning into him.

“Fast metabolism.”  He replies.  

“From the …”

“Yep.”  

You drop it.  He didn’t want you to see him as Captain America.  You would do your best to keep them separate.

“So what’s your plan, Steve?”   You ask.  “Where are we headed?”

“I thought we could grab some lunch.”  He answers.  

“We already passed all the good food vendors.  They have cabbage rolls and steamed dumplings out the front.”  You say.

He smiles at you and you lean up and kiss him on the cheek.  He stops and turns to face you.   He glances around nervously for a moment and then brings his lips to yours.  As your lips part and you trace your tongue over the corner of his mouth you think maybe, just maybe you’d be happy only ever kissing Steve Rogers.  That he might be end game for you.  The thought scares you, especially considering how little you actually know him.  But if this is it.  This is your person.  You might actually be happy with that.  You might actually be happy.

You’d always sworn you’d never tie your happiness to another person though.  You’ve been happy travelling.  Or you’d lied to yourself that not being miserable was the same as being happy.

He pulls away and looks down at you.  “What are you thinking?”

“Just, I don’t know Steve.  I’ve never had a boyfriend who didn’t just use me and make me feel like shit.”  You say.

“Is that who I am?  Your boyfriend?”  He asks.

You look at the ground.  “Do you want to be?  I mean, that’s the direction you’re leading this right?  I don’t mean you have to decide that right now.”  

“I’d love to be your boyfriend.”  Steve says. “I’ve never gone steady with anyone.”

His word choice makes your heart hurt.  “I’m just really scared about fucking this up.” You say.

Steve rubs your arms.  “Everyone is always scared of that.  All the time.  Don’t run, don’t crash a plane into the arctic circle.  Those are our start points.”

“Answer the phone.”  You add.

“Answer the phone.”  He agrees.

He kisses you just briefly and you both start walking again.

“I got in trouble for letting you sleep over the other week.”  Steve says.

You laugh.  “Oh really?”

“The building belongs to Tony Stark.  Did you know that?”  He asks.

You nod your head.

“He said it was reckless letting a stranger into the building and then leaving them unsupervised.”  He explains.

You laugh.  “Tony Stark said that?  As in the guy who slept his way through an entire year’s worth of penthouse covers?”

Steve laughs.  “Don’t believe everything you read.”

“So he didn’t sleep his way through an entire year’s worth of penthouse covers?”

“No, he did.”  He says with a laugh  “I think he might have been mad he didn’t get to meet you and interrogate you about your intentions.”

“Oh.  So he’s your dad?”  You ask.  

Steve rolls his eyes.  “There’s some kind of parental issues there.  That’s for sure.”

You snort laugh and cover your face mortified.  He nudges you.   “He had you investigated.” He says.

You stop walking suddenly.  “He what?”  

“He said he was worried you were a spy.  That it was too unlikely that we’d meet up in both DC and New York like we did.”  He says.

You look down at yourself and then back up at Steve.  “He thought I was a spy?  Me?  I was wearing a pikachu onesie for most of the day.”  

Steve laughs.  “Spies come in all shapes and sizes.”

“You believed him!”  You yelp.

He runs his hand through his hair.  “No.  I just - I could see his concern.  It was strange.”

You start walking again and he takes your hand in his.  “Do you still think I might be a spy?”

“No.”  He says.  “I just wanted you to know, that I now know - things - about you that maybe you might not have wanted me to find out.”

“Oh.”  Your mind races, going through the life you’ve led.  All the things you’ve done.  All the things you’ve been through.  What parts of it he could now know without you telling him.  You slip your hand from his and cross your arms over your chest.

“None of that stuff bothers me.  I mean, none of the stuff you’ve done.  It bothers me that you were admitted to hospital so many times as a child and no one investigated your parents.”  He says.  

“Please don’t.”  You say.  

“What can I do to fix this?”  He asks.

You shake your head.   “There’s nothing to fix.”

You both walk silently for a few minutes.   A couple of times it looks like Steve goes to say something but then doesn’t.

“I’m not mad.  Or at least, I get it.  I just - that part of my life.  I’ve tried to get so far away from it.  I don’t care that you know, but aren’t you supposed to learn about things like that about people gradually under their own terms?”  You say.

“Our relationship so far hasn’t really gone in the typical direction.  Maybe you and I have different rules?”  

You shrug.  “I’m hungry.”

“Good because we’re here.”

“No. No, Steve!  We’re not eating here.”  You say.  The two of you have made your way to Tavern on the Green.  You were expecting to just walk past it.  It’s a beautiful old building, but the prices are ludicrous.

“You don’t like it?”  He asks looking a little crestfallen.

“I don’t know if I like it.  I’ve never been.”  You say.  “It’s too expensive.”

“This was built when I was about 16 I think.  When people around me all started dating.  I always imagined this would be the place you’d take that special girl.  I couldn’t have afforded it even if I had one.  But girls never looked twice at me anyway.  I remember thinking that ‘not in a million years would I have a girl or the money to afford this place’.  It was like a dream I tortured myself with.  Turns out, it didn’t take a million years.  Just one hundred.  Now I have the money.  Do I have the girl?”  He holds out his hand and you take it.

“You have to book.  I’m not dressed for it.”  You complain as you walk down the covered path to the door.  

“You look beautiful and let’s see how far my name can get me.”

Turns out pretty far.  They greeted him at the door excitedly and sat you in the middle of the room so everyone could see that Captain America had chosen to dine there.  You feel awkward.  You don’t belong here.  You wouldn’t feel like you belonged here if you were the one behind the bar.

You order a risotto and Steve orders steak.  You talk him into getting a cocktail.  You order a Queens and he orders a Brooklyn.  

As you eat you relax.  The conversation is light.  Steve tells you about the things he used to get up to as a kid.  What led him to being accepted in the Army.  More about his friend Bucky.  You tell him about your time in Amsterdam.  About the first time you drank absinthe.  It’s nice.  It feels like how dates look in movies.

“As fancy as this place is, all I can think is that a giant dog thing is about to attack Rick Moranis up against those window.”  You say.

He looks at you confused.  

“You haven’t seen Ghostbusters yet?”  You ask.

He pulls out a notebook from his pocket and scribbles something down.

“What are you doing?”

“Just putting it on the list of things to catch up on.”  He says.  

“Oh shit.  Sorry, Steve.  It must suck getting these reminders that you don’t belong here.”  You say.  “Uhh… why don’t we just go watch it now?”

“No one would be playing it.”  He says.  

You laugh.  “It’s New York, someone will be playing it.  But I meant, we go watch it at home.  My place, your place, whatever.  We get popcorn and a blanket and we watch it snuggled up together.”

Steve smiles.  His eyes crease at the corners.  “I’d really like that.”

You catch the subway to Avengers Tower.  The elevator ride up is once again crowded and Steve suddenly shifts back into Captain America mode.  He straightens up and he holds his head higher.  You take his hand in yours and kiss the tip of his fingers.  He looks down at you and the smile returns.  Steve remembers he’s not here for work.

As you enter the communal living area you see the guy who he’d first come into the bar with all those months ago.  

“Cap!  There you are…”  He notices you and grins. “Oh hey, it’s hot pussy.  You’re not dead after all.  You owe me $20, Cap.”

“Hey, Sam. What’s up?”  Steve says.  It makes you a little sad that this guy who Steve obviously considers a close friend calls him Cap.  Not even his friends see him how he wants.  Or maybe he feels the need to hide from them.  He hadn’t intended on keeping you around originally. Maybe he’s scared to let people get close to Steve in case he loses them again.

“It’s about our friend.”  Sam answers.

Steve turns to you.  “This is about work.  I’ll get the popcorn.  Can you maybe wait for me in my room.  If you just start talking to JARVIS he’ll help you find the movie and put it on.”

“Of course.”  You lean up and kiss him.  “Not too much work.”  

“No, this is just important to me.”  He says.  “To Steve.”  He adds.

You nod and head to his bedroom.  With the help of JARVIS you find Ghostbusters and have it set up ready to play for when Steve’s ready.  You take off your shoes and socks, and then decide you might take it a little further and pull your shorts off too.  You then climb into his bed, pulling the blankets up to your chin.  

Steve doesn’t take too long and come in with a bowl of hot popcorn.  The smell fills the room and makes your mouth water.  

“Sorry about that.  Sam’s helping me find Bucky.”  Steve says.  He hands you the popcorn and takes off his shoes.

“Take off your pants.”  You say.

He looks at you and raises an eyebrow.  “We aren’t done with the date yet.”  He says.

“No pants is comfortable not necessarily sexy.”  You say.

“Did you take your pants off?”

You lift the blanket up and show him your panties.  He smirks and starts taking off his trousers.  

“If you’ve got a lead on your friend and you want to follow it, you don’t have to stay here with me.”  You say as he climbs into the bed.  

Steve’s face fell.  “No, nothing.  Sam was just back from following a lead.  It was cold.”

“If your friend doesn’t want to be found, maybe you should let him not be found.”  You say.

Steve shakes his head.  “He’s not himself.  He needs help.”

“Have you heard of him being violent or committing crimes or whatever?”  You ask.

“No, he’s been silent.”

“Maybe he’s okay, and just dealing with what’s wrong with him.  Maybe he just needs time.  Trust me, as a girl who hasn’t wanted to be found for quite a while, sometimes you gotta just let people stay lost.”  

The look that passes over Steve’s features is pure pain.  His brow knits, and he closes his eyes, rubbing his nose with his thumb and index finger.  “Maybe I’m being selfish again.  Maybe you’re right.  But I need him.”  

“What happened last time you were selfish because you needed him?”  You say, knowing this is going to hurt but also knowing he has to hear it.

He takes a large shuddering breath.  “I know.”

He turns the movie on and you snuggle down into the crook of his arm.  Half way through the film you start running your hand up and down the inside of his leg.  He kisses you on the top of the head.  

“I forgot how much smoking there is in this movie.”  You say.

Steve laughs.  “It is startling compared to a lot of the more modern movies.”

“Did you smoke?”  You ask.

“No.  Asthma.  I was a really, really sick kid. I know it’s hard to picture.  I was much, much smaller than I was pre-serum.”  Steve explains.  “I tried it once and it nearly sent me to hospital.  Bucky was freaking out.  You know when you think ‘if I don’t tell an adult about this, someone’s going to die but if I do tell an adult about this I’m going to die’.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been there.”  You say.  

“What about you?”  He asks.

“Smoke?  Not cigarettes.”  You say.  

“Yeah, I never did that either, and now there’s no point.  Doesn’t affect me.”  

As you talk your hand skims closer and closer to his cock. Your knuckles graze over it and you realize he’s hard.  Not just semi-hard, but rock hard.  

“Whatcha thinking about there, Steve?”  You ask, dancing your fingers over his length.

He looks at you obviously embarrassed.  

“Don’t be embarrassed about this.”  You say.  You press your hand against his cock, outlining it against his boxers.  You run your hand upwards over his shaft.  “I’m thinking about how when we first had sex you let me guide your cock into me.  You were so thoughtful and caring.  You knew I was intimidated, but you didn’t make a big deal about it.  You just let me take control.  It felt amazing.  No one has ever made me feel like that before.  Or since.”  

Steve shudders as you talk.  When you stop you start kissing his throat, waiting for him to find his voice.  “I was thinking about your mouth.  How much I’d like it if you were to do that again.”  

“I can do that again.”  You say.  “You want me to do it now?  While you watch the movie?”  Your hand is still stroking up and down his length.

His breath hitches and he pulls you into a kiss.  It’s frantic, like he’s lost control and he’s trying to find it again in the kiss.  He pulls abruptly and you gasp.  Taking in a sudden lungful of air.  You weren’t even aware how completely out of breath you were.

“Yes.  Please.  While we watch the movie.”  He says.  

You scoot down so your crouched between his legs.  The blanket is covering most of you, just your head is uncovered.  “Steve,”  You say, pulling his cock free.  “I know you do the one night stand things as a way to balance out the way you feel about moving on.  So I know I’m not your first.  Whoever you’ve been with before me, I’d like to go personally thank, because those women have helped you become a pretty fucking fantastic lover.  I also know that there probably isn’t many of them and that maybe you still don’t … I don’t know the word to use - own - your sexuality.  Do you know what I mean?”

Steve takes a deep breath in and nods his head as he releases it.  “That I’m still 1940′s sensibilities, scrawny wimp shy about it.”  He says.

You laugh and run your tongue up his considerable length.   “I have however been with a lot of men.  You are aware of that right?”

He nods.  “I assumed so. It doesn’t bother me.”

You swirl your tongue over the head of his cock.  “I’ve tried a lot of things.  Most of the things I’ve tried I’ve enjoyed to some level or another.  Depending on my partner.  Some people don’t even make kissing fun, to be honest.  That’s not you though.  So if you want to try something.  If you have thoughts that you think can’t possibly be okay to have.  Don’t be shy to bring them up.  Maybe I’ll say no, more likely I’ll say yes.  They won’t make me scared of you.  Sex doesn’t scare me.  Love scares me.”

You take the head of his cock into your mouth and suck on it, moving your tongue over the top. You start moving your head down, opening wide to fit him, straightening your throat so as to avoid gagging too soon.  When he’s as far as you think you can comfortably take him you you pull back.  You use your tongue to massage under his shaft and you stroke the base of his cock with your hands.  You start to bob your head up and down, sucking and licking as you do.  Occasionally you’ll pull off completely each time sucking hard on the head.  You then flatten your tongue and run it from the base to the tip.  Or you plant open mouth kisses up his length.

You drop your head lower on occasion, lapping up from his perineum to his balls while you stroke his cock with your hands.  He responds strongly to this so you start to tease his asshole with your fingers.  Circling them around it and pushing down without actually entering him.  He groans and his hips buck.  

You move your mouth back to his cock, but you keep your fingers on his ass.  His breath is coming in shallow and he is making soft mewling sounds.  You move faster taking his cock as deep as you can.  To the point you gag a little before pulling back.  You push your finger on his asshole, there is resistance and he groans loudly as your finger slowly eases inside of him.

Your start moving your finger in and out, tickling his prostate as you work your mouth on his dick.  

“Oh god.” He pants then groans loudly.  “I’m gonna… I’m gonna…”

He comes with a grunt.  Spilling into your mouth.  You drink him down.  Lapping your tongue over his cock, making sure you get every last drop.

You pull away from him.  His eyes are glazed over a little and he looks dazed.  You kiss him on the brow and jump out of bed dashing to the bathroom.  You wash your hands and have a drink of water before returning to Steve.  He pulls back the comforter and opens his arms wide.  You climb back into bed with him, snuggling against his chest.

He leans down and kisses you.  It was clear he was going for a quick peck, but you alter it.  Make it deeper.  You push your tongue into his mouth and he yields to you.  The next half an hour or so is spent making out and dry humping like a couple of teenagers.  All thoughts of Zuul and the stay puft marshmallow man pushed completely aside **.**


	7. Skinny Dipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the end of your first date with Steve Rogers

The sun starts going down filling the room with warm orange light.  The sky is painted pink and red but you and Steve are too caught up with each other to notice.  Your hands trail over each other’s skin as you languidly kiss.  Only occasionally coming up for air.   Your bodies are so tangled together it’s difficult to tell where one of you ends and the other begins.

As the room darkens, Steve pulls away from you.  He lies, propped up on his elbow looking down at you, playing with your hair.  “You’re really beautiful, ya know?”  He says.

Your face feels hot all of a sudden and you want to pull away, but you’ve somehow become lost in his eyes.  You reach up and gently run the tip of your finger over his eyelashes. “You are.”  You say.

He laughs and tickles you, nuzzling at your neck.  You squirm under him.  

He stops and gives you one final kiss on the lips before sitting up.  “We should eat.”  He says.

“God, yes.  Not anywhere fancy though.  Please.” You say, climbing out of bed and pulling on your shorts.  

“I thought we could just eat here.  I don’t cook well, but I’m sure I can put something together.”  He says.  

“So I don’t have to put my shoes on?”  You ask.

He steps up behind you and slides his hands down your side and kisses down your neck and across your collarbone.  You reach behind you, pushing your fingers into his hair.

“Keep doing that and the date’s over.  I’m pushing back in the bed and fucking your right now.”  You say.

He lets you go with a laugh.  “You can stay barefoot if you like.”  

You follow Steve out into the communal living area of the tower.  It is full of people and they all turn to you and Steve when you step through the door.  You recognize Natasha and Tony Stark.  Also is that Thor?  What are you thinking of course it’s Thor. You’re in Avengers Tower.  There are a couple of others you don’t recognize.  A tall woman with light red hair, a couple of men who you’d probably think of if anyone ever used the term ‘middle aged white guy’ to describe someone.  They start applauding.  Steve shakes his head and you curtsy.

“We were watching a movie.”  Steve says.

“Is that right?  And what movie would that be?”  Tony asks.  

“Ghostbusters.”  Steve answers.  He starts heading over to the kitchen area and you follow him.

“And tell me, Cap.  How exactly does Ghostbusters end?”  Tony asks.  

Steve looks like a deer in headlights.  

Everyone bursts out laughing.  

Steve ignores them and goes to the fridge.  You move behind him and wrap your arms around his waist, kissing his neck.  

“Are you gonna introduce us, Cap?”  One of the two generic white guys asks.  The one that seems a little more confident with himself.

Steve hastily introduces you to his friends.  Clint, Bruce and Pepper are the three you weren’t so sure about, he turns back to the fridge and starts digging around.  

Tony strolls over and offers you his hand.  You shake it and he starts circling you like a predator and you’re his prey.

“What exactly do you do?”  He asks. 

“Mixology at a bar in Midtown.”  You reply.  “What about you?”

Tony laughs.  “Haven’t you heard? I’m Iron Man.”  

You stroke your thumb over your chin.  “I have heard of Iron Man.  I find it interesting that you said you are Iron Man.  That implies Iron Man is your identity and not your job.  What is your job, Mr Stark?”  

“Are you sure you’re a mixologist and not a shrink?”  Tony asks.  “And what exactly is a mixologist rather than a plain old bar tender?”  

“Two week course and a fancy piece of paper.”  You answer.  “Also the ability to make a decent Bloody Mary from scratch that isn’t just tomato juice and vodka.” 

“Sorry Cap, I’m taking her upstairs.”  Tony says, taking your elbow and turning you to the elevator.  There is a general consensus of this being a good idea in the room.

“Tony.  Please.  We just want to have dinner together.”  Steve says, turning to Tony.  

“Nonsense.  We’ll get food brought in.  We all could eat.  You could eat, couldn’t you Thor?”  Tony says.  You can tell already this is happening.  Steve will give into this.  Steve is a perpetual pleaser.  You are stuck between telling Tony to fuck off, and allowing Steve the end of date that he so wanted and complying because you know that Steve will feel guilty if he lets down his friends. 

“I’m famished!”  Thor bellows, getting to his feet.  

“Tony, leave them be.”  Pepper says.  

“No, I want to see her in action.  They’ll still eat.”  

Steve closes the fridge and shakes his head. “It’s fine, Pepper.  Y/N do you mind?”  Steve asks.

“Yes.  I do.  We’re on a date.  If Mr Stark wants to see me make cocktails he can come order them from me at work.   When I’m working.”  You shake Tony off your arm.  

Natasha gets up and heads towards the elevator.   “Everyone that isn’t either Steve or Y/N is coming with me.”  The other Avengers all get up and start to follow Natasha muttering to themselves.  

Pepper smiles at Steve as she pushes Tony towards the others.  “I like her, Steve.”  She says.

When they are all gone Steve turns to you.  “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d care if we joined them for the night.”

You shrug. “I wouldn’t if I thought that’s what you really wanted.”

His eyes soften and the corners of his lips turn up, just a little.  “You did that for me?”

“For us.  I know you need to choose your battles, Steve.  Your job means a lot of fighting and important decisions to be made.  It would be exhausting.  I however have the luxury of almost never having to fight anyone for anything.”

He leans in and kisses you.  You close your eyes and let him lead, mimicking the movements of his lips.  Letting his mouth be your guide.  He starts off slow, like he was intending the kiss to be brief.  A thank you for doing that for him.  It deepens quickly.  It becomes more frantic.  His hands go into your hair and your tongues first start to dance and then battle against each other.  Your breath catches with his and you feel lightheaded.  When you move to pull away for a moment, just to catch your breath, his teeth drag over your bottom lip.

He’s on you again as soon as you have a lungful of air.  His hand move to your ass, and he lifts you, putting you onto the kitchen counter.  He grinds into you.  His hands roaming your body.  His mouth moves to your neck. Sucking on your skin.  Biting at it.  You moan, clutching at his shirt.  

“Steve.  The date’s not over yet.”  You moan.  You don’t care, you’d happily have him take you right here right now.   Except you know he doesn’t want that.  Not really.  So you don’t want it at all.

He pulls back from you, and rubs his hand down his face.  “Sorry.”  He says.

You shake your head.  “Don’t be.  Reminded me of when you fucked me in my kitchen and we burned lunch.  Remember how you said; ‘You better put your hands back on the counter, sweetheart or you’re gonna be waiting a real long time?’  I think that might be the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.”  

Steve laughs sheepishly and helps you down from the counter.  “Sometimes when I’m having sex it’s like I forget who I am.  I couldn’t imagine saying something like that to a woman normally.”

You kiss his cheek.  “Sex is for lots of things I think.  On a base level it’s reproduction sure. All we are are complex machines of constant cell division.  Even when we’re not having sex to reproduce the biology that makes us enjoy it is there so we might accidentally do it.  But for some it’s also for connection, and enjoyment.  It’s to relax, and to distract.  It’s for us to be our true selves with no inhibitions and to be as far from our true selves as we can get.”  

Steve hugs you, kissing you on the forehead.  He then moves back to the fridge.  “I really don’t know what to make here.”  He says, moving some things around.

You step up behind him and take a look.  You start pulling things out. Broccoli, red peppers, snow peas, green onions, some pre crushed garlic and ginger that comes in tubes.  “Holy shit, you guys have tofu.  I wouldn’t have picked any of you as tofu eaters.”  You say pulling it from the fridge.  

“I think Bruce might.”  Steve replies.  

“Will he mind?”  You ask.

Steve shrugs.  “I don’t think so.  Tony has people who check what’s missing and replenish things daily.”

You whistle.  “That’s the life.”

You start pawing through their cupboards and find dry noodles, cashews, chili flakes and peanut oil.  You find a pot and fill it with water and put it on to boil.  There is a wok too and you pull it out and put it on the heat with some oil to heat up.

You turn to see Steve has already started cutting vegetables.  You grab a knife and a cutting board and join him.  After not too long you both manage to put together a passable stir fry.  You eat it on the couch.  Steve struggles with the chopsticks.  He’s gets frustrated and is about to give up and switch to a fork when you take his hand.

“Don’t give up on it.”  You say.  

He shakes his head.  “This is just too foreign to me.  You think they had these in Brooklyn when I was growing up?”

You laugh.  “I bet some families did. But I understand what you mean.  However, this isn’t a ‘I’m out of my time struggle’.  This is an ‘I’m not used to this cultural difference struggle’.  Lots of modern, everyday American’s struggle with chopsticks. That’s why Chinese restaurants always have forks here.  They don’t have them in many restaurants in China.  I can tell you that from experience.  You going to give up on something because it’s from a culture you’re not as familiar with?”

“Show me what I’m doing wrong.”  He says, holding up his hand with the chopsticks in it.

You adjust them so they’re sitting in his hand correctly. You then pick up your own and show him how to move them.  You pick up a cashew and pop it in your mouth. He mimics you and manages to pick a piece of broccoli up it makes it to his mouth but drops at the last second rolling down his shirt and back into the bowl.  You both laugh, and you lean over and pick it up with your sticks and feed it to him.

After dinner you both clean up together.  You put the last dish in the dishwasher and turn it on.  Steve spins you to face him.  “So, we walked in the park.  Had lunch in a fancy restaurant. Watched a movie.  Made out.  Cooked together.  Is this date over?”  You ask.

Steve pulls you into his arms and starts to sway with you.  “One last thing.  JARVIS something to dance to please.”  

“As you wish, Captain Rogers.”  The voice of the buildings AI says filling the room.  A scratchy sounding song comes on the rooms PA system. It sounds like it’s playing on an old record.  It’s slow and full of trumpet.

You dance.  It isn’t that awkward swaying side to side people often do.  It isn’t grinding against each other either.  He leads you around the kitchen guiding you, one hand on your back the other holding yours.  You keep stepping on his feet but he doesn’t seem phased at all.  You can’t take your eyes of his face.  You stare into his eyes, once again getting a little lost in their blue depths.  You notice the green there too, and the way his eyelashes fan out over when he closes his eyes.  

Your focus shifts to his mouth. His lips are so full and pink and he has them parted just a little.  You want to touch them.  Run your finger over them.  Have him suck on it.  You want them on yours again, to run the point of your tongue over them as he uses them to devour you.  You want to feel them as he tastes your pussy.

The music stops and he leans into you.  It’s certainly not your first kiss.  Not even the first this hour.  So why does it feel like a first kiss?  It’s sparks and passion and warmth and tenderness.  His lips caress yours. You push your body against his and when you know he has you, you relax completely giving yourself to him.  

He pulls away and it takes you a moment to recover.  You stand pressed against him, your eyes closed.  You feel his hand on your cheek and you slowly open your eyes to look at him.

“Now the dates over.”  He says.  

“Successful?”  You ask.’

He laughs.  “I think so. I’ve never been on a date before.  I didn’t expect my first one to involve that much oral sex.  I’m not complaining though.”

“Not even with your girl?”  You ask.

“No.  We never had the chance.”  He answers.  “The war stole all our time.”

You rest your head against his chest.  “I’m sorry.”

He runs his hands through your hair.  “Don’t be.  My whole life, all the choices good and bad have brought me to here now.  And right this very moment, I am really happy.”

You look up at him.  “Steve, would you like to come up for coffee?”

He furrows his brow.  “Sorry what?”

“It’s a euphemism for sex.”

He laughs.  “I’d love to.”

You lead him to his room and when the door shuts behind you, his arms wrap around you.  He grabs the hem of your t-shirt and pulls it off over your head.  You turn to face him, your hands going to the buttons of his shirt.  He lifts you and you wrap your legs around his waist.  As he walks you to the bed he kisses down your throat and along your collarbone.

He lays you back on the bed and starts undressing.  You move into the middle of the mattress as he carefully removes his shirt and trousers.  He’s still wearing singlets.  The fact that habit has stuck with him makes you squirm.  You quickly scramble out of your remaining clothes as he removes the last of his and he climbs onto the bed, stalking up to you.  

When he reaches your stomach he starts kissing and playfully biting you.  When he reaches your throat he pauses, focusing on it.  He sucks your skin into his mouth and grazes his teeth over it.  His hand goes to your pussy and he plays with your clit.  You moan and cling to his shoulders.  

He moves his mouth to yours and as you kiss he pushes a finger inside of you.  You hum and break your kiss.  “Steve.”  You say, stroking your fingers along his strong jawline.  “Do the thing with your fingers.”

“What thing?”  He asks.

“Where you show me how big you are.”   You say.

He chuckles and two fingers join the one inside you.  He moves them in and out slowly, dragging them over your internal walls.  Massaging along your g-spot.  You arch back with a groan.  Your eyes falling closed.  He spreads his fingers inside of you, stretching you, making your feel full up.  “Like this?”  He growls.

“Oh god, yes.”  You moan.

“You like that, huh?”  He says, corkscrewing his hand inside you.

You start to pant, each breath in seem to increase the hot feeling coiling through you.  “Yes, Steve.  Oh, god.”

He pulls his fingers free and you whine in frustration.  The frustration passes quickly as you feel his cock press against the entrance to your cunt.  “Do you want me to use protection?”  He asks.

You shake your head.  He’s perpetually healthy thanks to the super serum and you are on birth control.  He enters you.  Slowly.  Allowing you time to adjust to his girth.  He brings his lips to yours and begins to thrust into you, rolling his hips as he does.  He moves one arm behind your head, cradling you.  The other hand he uses to stroke you.  He massages your breast and pinches your nipple.  Occasionally he rests it on your throat stroking your neck with his thumb.  

Your hands are restless, roaming his body.  You rest them on his shoulders, feeling the way them contract and release as he moves above you.  You slide the down to his ass, squeezing it.  You push them into his hair.  

This is not fucking.  Not as you know it.  Could this be what making love is actually like?  Just that feeling of connection with someone you actually care about and them being invested in making the experience good for you?  In connecting with you?

Steve shifts.  In a quick move he pulls you both so you’re sitting straddling his lap.  The pace picks up.  You’re in control more in this position and you start to ride him.  You’re frantic.  He slips a hand between you and starts working your clit.  You cling to his neck and kiss him. It’s passion and fire.  You need him.  You start to come apart and he moves his mouth to your breast.  This first of your orgasms hits you, consuming you.  You cry out and your legs shake.

Steve pulls out and rolls you so you’re on your hands and knees.  He enters you again and you clench around him.  This time he is rougher with you. Pounding into you.  You fall forward and he holds your hips.  

“Are you okay?”  He asks.

You groan and reach back linking your hand with his.  “Yes.  Fuck yes, Steve.”

He continues to thrust into you and you lose control.  You keep holding Steve’s hand.  It keeps you present with him.  You come again, your whole body clenching.  This time when you come he does too, spilling inside of you.  

You both collapse down and you roll onto your back and just lie there breathing heavily, lost in a post orgasmic haze.  Steve rolls onto his side and starts trailing his fingers up your stomach and over your breasts.  He nuzzles at your throat,placing little kisses on your skin.

You wave your hand, patting him on the head.  “Leave me to my sex coma.”  You say.

He laughs.  “No sex comas allowed.”  

You roll onto your side to face him.  He cups your cheek in his hand and runs his thumb over your lip.  “I really like you.  I’m glad you’re giving this a go. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this about anyone.”

“Yeah, like 70 years.”  You tease.

He smiles.  “Yep, something like that.”

“Well I’ve never felt like this about anyone ever. So high five bro.”  You say raising your hand.  He looks at it and then back at you with a smirk.  “Don’t leave me hangin’.”  You say.

He hits your hand and you both start laughing.  He pulls you into his arms and you snuggle against his chest listening to the slow thud, thud of his heart beat.  His hand slowly strokes up and down your arm.  

“Will you spend the night?”  He asks.  

“Mmm… I’d love that.”  You answer.  You start peppering kisses over his pec to his collar bone.  His hand goes to your chin and he tilts your face to his.  His lips meet yours and you kiss.

You sit up suddenly, leaning on his chest.  “I have an idea.  This place has a pool right?”

Steve runs a finger down from your chin to your navel.  “Yes.  Why?”

You start pushing him. “Get up.  Put your clothes on.  We’re going swimming.”

He climbs out of bed and goes to a chest of drawers.  You pick his boxers up from the ground and throw them at him.  “Just put on your old clothes.”  You say, as you start shimming back into your panties.

“But I’ll need swim trunks.”  

You smirk at him.  “No.  You won’t.”

* * *

The lights turn on in the pool when you and Steve step through the door.  You start undressing straight away. Every sound you make echoes of the walls of the room.  Steve just stands there staring at you.  Still not convinced this is the best idea.  

You head straight to the water walking down the steps.  You know Steve is watching you and you put a little extra sway in your hips as you walk.  The water is really warm.  Almost like a bath.  When you are waist deep you drop down dunking your head.  You turn under the water and when you break the surface again you make sure your hair is pushed back behind your head.  

“Come on, Steve.”   You say extending your arms but walking backwards.  

He pulls his singlet off and throws it on a nearby bench and then drops his pants and does the same with them.  He walks into the water and when he reaches you you jump up into his arms, wrapping yourself completely around him.  You kiss.  

“So what do you think?  Steve Rogers the skinny dipping type?”  You ask.

Steve smiles.  It’s softens his eyes in a way you haven’t seen in him up until now.  “I’m still not sure.”  He says.  “He might be with you.”


	8. Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers hold a party at the tower when Thor finds Loki's sceptre. That's when your world falls apart.

It was amazing how fast you and Steve had gone from first date to basically living together.  It just felt right being in his bed.  You started coming to Avengers Tower directly after work.  You’d look at the security camera above the door and they’d open for you.  The elevator would take you to the correct floor without even needing to select a number and you’d creep into Steve’s room.

He’d be asleep.  It was always a restless sleep.  At best he was only barely asleep and you’d wake him opening the door.  At worst he’d be thrashing crying out to his friends for help.  Whatever the case you’d strip off your clothes and stroke your hand over his brow, telling him you were here and he was safe and you loved him.  He’d pull you into his arms and still.

You always woke in the late morning to an empty bed.  You’d go take a shower and change into the work clothes that would have been laundered from previous night.  When you went out to the communal living area Steve would be waiting for you with a kiss and breakfast.  Sometimes there would be some of the other Avengers.  They had accepted you being around freely and readily, and while you didn’t consider them friends exactly, they certainly seemed to be on their way to being that.  You’d head home, do the things you needed to do there and then back to work to repeat the process again.

On occasion Steve would wake you in the morning and you’d make love.  It was always sweet and slow and lazy.  You’d fall back to sleep while he showered and the day would proceed as usual.

On days where you could both get off together you were basically in each others pockets.  You would spend the day out sight seeing and holding hands.  You’d eat at food stands and grubby pizza places.  Or you’d go to SoHo and check out the Italian bakeries. Sometimes you’d stay at the tower all day and just fuck.  Only leaving the room to eat and rehydrate.  

The only time things really varied from this routine was if he was out on mission.  That was regularly but not every week.  In those instances, you’d stay home.  It became weird and foreign being in your own bed.  How quickly things had changed for you.  You went from always sleeping in your own bed to never sleeping in it.  On a few occasions when you were at home, he’d get back in the middle of the night and text you.  You’d let him into your apartment and he’d be battered and filthy and he’d need you so badly that it hurt you a little.  

You fell for him fast.  That was the most scary thing at all.  You’d never felt close to anyone in your life and now your love for Steve Rogers was almost consuming you.  You could see a life together.  One where you stopped running and you trusted a person not to hurt you.  Where you loved someone and they loved you back.  Those things had always seemed like gifts that were only granted to other people.  Yet with Steve you could see that you might also be worthy of them.  That kind of life is something you could also have.

Along with trying to find his friend Bucky, Steve had been helping Thor track down some kind of staff.  You didn’t really know much about it, except that he’d be gone for a day or two, come back battered and empty handed and then continue looking again.  It was months and months before Steve told you they’d finally found the thing.  So long in fact that Steve had started bringing up you and he finding a place of your own together.  You weren’t ready but you loved when he brought it up.  You loved that he was thinking these long term thoughts that included you.

You didn’t understand all the details but something about finding the staff meant Thor was leaving.  So Tony was throwing a party.  Steve wanted you to come, but you had work.  Saturday nights were important for you.  It was busiest.  You got more tips.  Tony came into your workplace and negotiated with your boss to hire you to work for him that night.

So here you are behind the bar at Avengers Tower making cocktails for a bunch of super heroes and their friends.  

Your first order of the night is by Tony.  He asks for a Bloody Mary.  He still didn’t believe you could make a decent one from scratch.  So you do.  Carefully balancing the levels of juice and vodka, with the bullion, Tabasco, Worcestershire sauce and other spices.  You serve it in a tall salt rimmed glass over ice with a stalk of celery.  He looks smug as he takes a sip and then walks off in a huff.  

Steve comes over and you lean over the bar and give him a quick peck.  He asks for Sex on the Beach.  You tell him he should take you to the beach and serve him a beer.  

Natasha asks for something cute.  You make her a grasshopper and serve it in a martini glass with two green straws balanced on the side acting as legs.  She looks delighted as she takes it over to a group of other women to show them.  

Most of the other men stick to beer or whiskey on the rocks.  Clint orders a long island ice tea.  When he takes a sip he remembers that he actually wanted a Tom Collins.  You glare at him and he takes his drink and wanders away muttering to himself.

Tony returns and orders a Ramos Gin fizz.  He’s obviously just googled difficult cocktail recipes. Luckily you do know this one.  You search the bars reserves, sure he won’t have all the ingredients.  He does. So this must have been planned in advance.  You separate an egg and pour in the myriad of other bizarre ingredients into a shaker and shake for a good thirty seconds while Tony scowls at you.  You pour it through a strainer into a tall glass.  It has the perfect fluffy head.  Tony takes it thanking you.  When he turns away you clearly hear him curse.  You laugh to yourself.  

Steve returns and asks for a blow job.  You tell him that he can have one of those later and pour him another beer.  He takes it telling you he loves you and returns to playing pool with Sam.  

Maria Hill requests something pretty.  You pour her a tequila sunrise.  She nods to you as she takes it.  

Tony comes over and asks for a fat washed mezcal. You ask him if he has pork drippings.  He does not.  He changes his order to a Commonwealth.  You ask him if he has dragonfruit.  He doesn’t have that either.  You make him a Flaming Lamborghini.  He looks pleased with it as he takes it away still burning.  

Steve returns.  He asks for an orgasm.  You tell him he is definitely going to have one of those later.  This time you just give him a glass of water.  He sits at the bar and talks to you for a while drinking it.  Natasha comes behind the bar to play bartender while she flirts with Bruce.  

The night moves on and people start to leave.  You’re able to leave the bar and you end up curled up on a couch with Steve while he and the Avengers talk and tease each other and generally seem like what you think a family would be like.

Then your word returns to shit.

Looking back you’re not quite even sure what happened.  There was a robot and then there were lots of robots.  The Avengers fought.  But you aren’t an Avenger.  You make cocktails.  One of the robots threw you against a wall.  You were knocked unconscious and woke up in hospital.  A broken wrist, two cracked ribs and bruising on your spine is the diagnosis.  You’re more worried about the medical bills.  You’ve recovered from worse physical injuries than that, and now you have Steve to support you.  Pain doesn’t seem scary at all.

Turns out the medical bills were covered by Tony Stark.  You’re released from hospital a day later but Steve is in Africa dealing with the robots.  You go back to your apartment and try your best to get by without bugging your roommate Lizzie too much.  

The doctors tell you you have to stay off your feet for the next couple of months while your back and ribs heals.  This will hurt you financially, but you’ll struggle by.  When you call your boss to tell him, he says he can’t be without you for that long and he’ll need to let you go.  That will definitely hurt financially.  You still have Steve though.  He’d asked you to move in with him, he probably won’t mind you staying with him while you get back on your feet and find a new job.

Things don’t seem to be going well for the Avengers.  The disappear for a day.  Then they have to fight those robots from a floating city.  You watch the news coverage with your heart in your throat.  They save the day once again.  Your relief feels almost orgasmic.  Like you’re floating.  

You call Steve and he doesn’t answer.  You don’t panic.  He’s got shit to sort out.  You text him that you love him and you can’t wait to see him.

The following day you still haven’t heard from him.  You call again and it goes straight to voicemail.  Today your back is hurting and you wish more than anything he could be there to care for you.  You’ve never had that before.  Instead you deal with it like you always do.  Taking slightly more painkillers than recommended and sleeping.  

A week later and Steve hasn’t replied to you at all. You’re in full blown panic mode. You gave up texting after day three.  Your back doesn’t hurt so much by day five, only if you stand for too long.    
Day seven you are in sulking at home in your pikachu onesie mode without the onesie.  It’s too hard to get on and off with your arm in a cast.  Instead you just have a short nightgown on.  You still have hope he’ll call you.  That maybe the clean up from Sokovia was taking more out of him than he could deal with.  The fact he hasn’t even texted hurts but you’d forgive it if he just called you now.

There’s a knock at the door.  

Lizzie goes to answer it and is followed back inside by Steve.  You get to your feet as fast as your injuries will allow you. As you reach him, expecting him to embrace you and to kiss you and to tell you how sorry he is, he looks down at you gravely.  “We need to talk.”

You follow him into your bedroom.  It feels like you heart has stopped.  He’s breaking up with you.  It had all been too good to be true.  You weren’t worthy of anything.  Just like you’d always known.

You close the door behind you and look up at him willing yourself not to cry.  Waiting for him to tell you what it is you did that made him fall out of love with you.  Or maybe he wasn’t ever in love with you to begin with.  He just said those things because he knew you wanted to hear them.

His hand goes to you face and he strokes your cheek with your thumb.  “I love you.”  

“But?”

“But I can’t keep doing this.  I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t see anyway we can be together and avoid that happening.”

You shake your head confused.  “Steve …”

“There is no Steve.  I’ve been lying to myself.  I’m Captain America.  I’ll only ever be Captain America.  Look at you.  You could have been killed.  I can’t keep pretending that I can have both.  I can’t keep trying to use you to hold on to a person I lost seventy years ago.”

“What happened?  What did I do?”  You ask.

He leans down and kisses you.  You don’t even try to resist.  You missed it so much you just open your mouth and give yourself to him.  He pulls away and his thumb strokes over you bottom lip.  “You didn’t do anything.  Ultron said to me that I couldn’t exist without war.”

“You’re going to believe a stupid robot?”

“He was right.  I can’t.  Captain America is who I am.  I have nothing else.”  He says.

“You have me.”  You’ve started to cry and he brushes a tear away with his thumb.  

He shakes his head.  “You’re at risk if you stay with me.  I can’t keep lying to you and myself to hang on to Steve.  He’s gone.”

You snap.  You start hitting him with your good arm.  “You let me fall in love with you!  I was okay without you and you told me you wanted me!  You made me think I was worth something!”  You cry.

He wraps his arms around you and you just collapse into his chest.  “You are worth something.  You can find someone else.  Someone who can be who you need them to be.”

“I need Steve.”  You sob.  “Don’t you get it?  There is no one else for me?”  The way your breathing becomes ragged because of your tears sends stabbing pain into your lungs thanks to your cracked ribs.  You welcome it.  Any other reason to cry than this.  “You need him too.  You can’t just be Captain America.  What kind of life is that?”

“Steve died in 1944.”  He says.  

He turns you so you’re not blocking the door and lets you go.  You grab his arm and he turns back to face you.

“I do love you.  I do.  This just can’t work.”  He says.  You pull him down to you and he kisses you again.  It’s soft and gentle, but that’s not what you want.  You don’t want him to be gentle with you.  You want him to use you.  Just like every other person has ever done.  He’s hurt you, now he has to use you.

You change it the kiss.  You use attack his mouth with yours.  Your tongues clash with each other.  You use your teeth.  As you kiss you start walking him back towards you bed.

He pulls back from you and holds you at arm’s length.  “Sweetheart, stop.  I love you.  If this is what you need to say goodbye.  To move on.  I’ll give it to you.  But you’re injured.  It can’t be rough like that.”

You hate him for his gentleness.  How he still cares for you despite the fact he’s destroying you.  He starts to remove his clothes and you awkwardly take off yours too.  You lay back on the bed and he sits down beside you.  He looks down at you, brow furrowed.

“Look at this.”  He says, gently skimming his fingers over the bruising on the spot where your ribs are broken.  “This is my fault.  This is why we can’t continue.”

“Just shut the fuck up.  You think this is the worst injury I’ve ever had?  It isn’t.  It’s not even close.”  You snarl.  “You said we could fuck.  Let’s fuck.”

He looks at you sadly and moves between your legs.  “Tell me if I hurt you.”  He says.

Steve ducks his head between your legs.  He kisses the inside of your thigh once before spreading your folds and running his tongue up your crevice.  You take a sharp breath in when he presses down on your clit and the pain in your ribs is intense.  You clench your teeth and slowly exhale.  You don’t want him to know he’s hurting you.  You want him to hurt you.  Physical pain you understand.  It trumps this soul crushing sadness he’s dealt you.

He tongues your clit letting warm tingling feeling build in you.  As it does and moisture fills your cunt he pushes a finger inside you.  He strokes it inside you and fucks you with it.  You give yourself to it.  Pushing out your thoughts of hurt and sadness.  Your breathing becomes more ragged and your lungs ache. You let out a moan that is both pleasure and pain.

He sits up and looks at you. Not sure what to do.

“Just fuck me.  Stop looking at me like that!”  You shout.

He positions himself above you.  Careful so as not to to put pressure on your torso and he slowly guides his cock into you.  As he thrusts into you, you trace your fingers over his eyelashes and across his lips.  

“I loved you, Steve.”  You say, giving yourself into your sadness.  Tears rolling down your cheeks.

“I love you too.”  He gently brushes his lips over yours.  You open your mouth and let the tip of your tongue skim over his bottom lip.

“I’m never going to find someone you know.”  You say.  “I know that’s not a reason to stay, but I need you to know that.  I will die alone and you have done that to me.”

He adjusts himself a little, bringing your knees up higher and wrapping his arms behind the back of your head.  He starts to roll his hips with every thrust and you clench around him.

“You’ll find someone.”  He says.

You shake your head.  “You’ve just proved to me what I’ve always known.  I don’t know why it came as a surprise.  I won’t let it happen again.”

“Sweetheart…”

“Don’t call me that.”

He frowns and focuses on the task at hand. He moves a hand between you and he starts to rub your clit.  You cling to the back of his neck, digging your fingers into him.  As your orgasm builds the pain in your lungs becomes intense.  When you do come it tears you in two.  It’s pleasure and pain, and love and hate.  You scream out in ecstasy and in anguish.  

A few more thrusts and he spills inside you.  He falls down beside you and you start to cry.  Really cry.  Letting yourself feel everything.  The emotional pain and the physical.  He holds you until it subsides and then sits up.  He sits on the side of the bed holding his head in his hands.

“I never wanted to hurt you.”  He says.

“Yeah well.  Welcome to the group that contains every other significant person in my life.”  You say, rolling on you side to face away from him.

He puts his hand on your thigh and you push it away.  “Just get out of here.”  You snap.

“Sweetheart…”

“I said don’t call me that.”

He stands and you listen to the sound of him shuffling around your room as he gets dressed again.  He goes to the door and hovers there for a moment.

“I still see you, y/n.”  He says.

You roll to face him.  “I see you too, Captain.”

He sighs and leaves your room, closing the door behind him.


	9. Nomad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You run, becoming a nomad. Eventually another nomad tracks you down.

One day after Steve Rogers left you, taking the last remaining remnants of heart you had with him.  Tony Stark showed up at your apartment.   You’d barely left bed.  You certainly hadn’t eaten since Steve had left.  You didn’t know what you were going to do now.  How you could possibly survive this.  You had no job, no money, no way of getting any until you were healed and no Steve.  You were well on your way to being homeless and walking up and down the subway hoping people would take pity on you and give you a dollar so you might be able to eat that day.  

Your roommate, Lizzy let Tony in and he strode into your room like he owned it.  You just stared blankly through him.

“Wow when you sulk, you really sulk.”  He says sitting himself at the end of your bed. “You could do with a shower, butter cup.”

“What do you want?”  You ask, your words coming out completely monotone.

He sighs.  “I have this for you.”  He reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulls out a check.  “You and I both know what happened to you is my fault.  We also know that if you sued me you’d win.  Even with all the best legal counsel money can buy.  It’s pretty cut and dry.  You were in my building because I hired you to be there.  A machine I made attacked you.  I also know you.  You’re not the suing other people type.  So here’s the settlement check.  Use it to start over.”

You take it and look at the number.  It’s obscene.  Like you’ve never seen that many zeros next to each other obscene.  “I can’t take this from you.  It’s too much.”

He reaches into his jacket pocket again and takes out a card.  “This is my accountant.  You don’t have to use him, but he knows to bill it to me if you do.  He’ll help you with the tax you have to pay and if you want to invest.  Don’t let him invest in Stark. Those shares are plummeting after what just happened.  Although, maybe now’s the time?”

He gets up and heads to the door.  “Take care of yourself, mixology.”

“Thank you, Tony.”

* * *

What Tony gave you was the ability to run.  After your ribs healed and the cast on your arm was off, you saw his accountant.  He set up investments and told you he’d take care of your tax.  You packed your bags and you ran.  

Now you didn’t need to work any more.  You didn’t have to interact with anyone in any kind of meaningful way.  You never spent longer than three months in a city.  Usually it was no more than a month.  You’d just book apartments on airbnb or a site like that.  You’d see the city and move on.  You were a nomad.

You saw what happened with the Avengers.  How they split.  How Steve went on the run.  You tried to pretend you didn’t care.  It wasn’t a successful endeavor.  You ate up your roaming data checking again and again to see if there was any news.  

The first time you saw Steve again was a little over a year after he broke up with you.  You were visiting Niagara Falls.  You had stayed out late eating poutine sitting on the wall watching the lights change colors on Horseshoe Falls.  Huge fat bugs would fly around you making sure you were never quite comfortable there.  The sound of the water gushing over the edge at such an insane rate called to you.  You kept thinking if you could just climb down the embankment the water would do all the work for you and you could finally escape.

You couldn’t do it though.  Now you were just a little damp and cold.  You just wanted to have a hot shower and sleep.  You stepped through the front door to the studio apartment you were renting and he was sitting on the couch in the dark watching the door.  He was wearing dark clothes.  The most modern you’d ever seen him in.  A hoodie and black jeans.  He’d grown a beard.  You guess as a disguise.  You doubted anyone seeing this guy in front of you would suspect it was Captain America.

You are startled but just for a second.  “Hello, Captain.”  You say throwing your keys and handbag onto the dining table.  

“I don’t do that anymore.”  He says.

You shrug.  “It’s who you are.  I’ll just keep calling you that, thanks.”

“Sweetheart…”  He says.

You cut him off.  “I’m pretty sure I told you not to call me that.”  You snap.  “Whatever you want, Captain, just say it and get out.”

You start taking off your wet clothes.  You’ll be damned if you’re going to stand around being uncomfortable because he decided to break into your apartment.  

“I’m sorry.”  He says.  

“Well, whoopti-freaking-do.”  You snarl.  “All is forgiven because the Captain had a fight with his friends and now feels lonely enough to track me down.  How long have you been sitting in the dark waiting for me?”

“Seven or eight hours.  I forget.  Why were you so late home?”  He asks.

You turn to him in your bra and about to pull off your jeans.  “Why?  You worried I was fucking some other guy?  A little jealous, Captain?  Well don’t worry.  There has been no guy near me since you.  I was just at the falls trying to get the courage to jump in.”  

Steve stands and approaches you.  His hand goes to you face and you shove him away.  “Are we done?”  You snap.  “Got what you needed?  Get out of my apartment.”

“I’m not giving up on us.”  He says, walking to the door.

* * *

The second time you see him you’re in Berlin.  You step out the front door of one of the many identically ugly building erected during Soviet Occupation of East Germany.  He walks up beside you as you head towards the U-bahn.  You know it’s him just by the way he holds himself.  You don’t even need to look.  

“Captain.”  You say.  

“I found Bucky.”  He replies.

“That’s nice for you.  Go pretend you’re not Captain America with him and stop bothering me.”  

He grabs your arm and you stop walking and glare at him.  “I’m not Captain America any more.”

“Don’t you get it, Captain?  You can say that all you like.  You made me fall in love with a dead man.  You will always be Captain America to me, and Captain America killed the man I loved.”  You seethe.  

You pull your arm free and pick up your pace heading down the steps to the U-bahn.  Hoping that there will be a train waiting there for you.

He keeps pace with you easily.   “I made a mistake.  I can’t even begin to apologize for it.  You needed me and I got scared.  I was wrong.  I thought I couldn’t be Steve Rogers for you.  For me.  It was Captain America I needed to give up on and I have.”

“Too little, too late.”  You make it to the platform as a train pulls up.  “It’s been great catching up, Captain.  Don’t make a habit of it.”  You say jumping onto the train.

* * *

And so it goes. You run and he finds you.  The third time you see him you’re in Australia visiting the Great Barrier Reef.  The fourth you’re in Thailand at a resort on the border of Myanmar in the middle of the Jungle.  The fifth time you’re in Chile, he finds you in a restaurant near the ocean eating ceviche.  Each time he finds you, you let him talk a little longer.  The truth is you like it when he finds you at least as much as you hate it.  You only ever call him Captain.

The sixth time he finds you staying in a cottage just North of Cardiff in Wales.  It’s green grass and stone walls for miles.  You step outside to get some fresh air and he’s just there, cutting wood.  

You sigh and approach him.   “You know this is stalking right, Captain?”  

He puts the ax down and faces you.  “I love you.  I know you love me.”

“I love Steve Rogers.  He died.  I have to live with that for the rest of my life.  You showing up and reminding me of him doesn’t help.”  You say.  You start to cry.  The first time since the day he left.  

He approaches you slowly like you’re a wild animal that might suddenly attack.  “I am Steve Rogers.  Can’t you see me?”

You slap him when he reaches you.  “You can’t be him.  He would never have done that to me.”

“I was scared and confused.  I thought what I was doing was the best option to keep you safe and from stopping you from getting hurt.  I was wrong.  I love you.  Can you find it in my heart to forgive me?”  He says.

“My heart died with Steve.”

He touches your face and you lean into his palm.  “I’m right here, sweetheart.”

“How can I trust you?  You destroyed me.”  You ask.  “I hate myself for how invested I became in us.  I never wanted to be that person.”

He wraps his arms around you and you bury your face into his chest.  “It will take time.  I know what I want now though.”

“What changed?”

“Can we go inside?”  He asks.

You nod and he follows you into the cottage, leaving your shoes by the front door.  He lights a fire and you just sit down and watch him completely numb.  When he’s done he sits down next to you and puts his hand on your knee.

“Did you hear about all the things that happened?”  He asks.

“I heard about the new laws where they wanted to control people with superpowers.  I heard you broke them going after Bucky.  That he blew up the UN, and then that it wasn’t him.”  You say.

Steve sighs and he rubs your leg.  “Bucky had been reprogrammed by Hydra as a weapon.  Even with all that he still saw Steve.  He’s known me the longest.  We grew up together.  He never called me Cap or Captain one time.  Just Steve.  I thought, if he can see him.   Maybe he’s still there.”

“Where’s Bucky?”  You ask.

Steve shakes his head.  He drops his eye contact and he takes a deep breath.  “When Bucky was with Hydra he killed Tony’s parents.  Tony lost it.  Tried to kill Bucky.  I had to choose.  I chose Bucky.  I think I would have done that anyway, but he saw me.  Tony has never seen me.  Before I left with Bucky, Tony yelled at me that the shield wasn’t mine.  That I didn’t deserve it.  I dropped it.  I didn’t want it any more.  I just want not to fight any more.  I want my friends. My real friends.  And I want you.”

He leans back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.  “Bucky still has Hydra in his head.  He’s gone back into cryofreeze until we can figure out how to get him out.  I feel so alone. And I feel like I’ve just been living a series of giant mistakes since I woke up.  The only thing I ever felt sure of was waking up next to you and dropping that shield.”

You put your hand on his.  “Steve…”  You say.  

He turns to you and smiles, his fingers link with yours.  “Hey, sweetheart.”

This time it’s your turn to break eye contact.  “I don’t think I can do this again.  I was so scared the first time.  So fucking scared.  You told me you wouldn’t hurt me and you destroyed me.  I’ve never let myself be vulnerable around someone until you and you threw it in my face.  I don’t think I can do it with anyone, let alone you.”

“Can’t we just try?  Please?”  He says.

“You said that last time.  Look where it got me.  I wanted to die, Steve.  I can’t pin my happiness on you.  It’s not healthy.”  You say.

You both just sit quietly for a while holding hands.  Contemplating the next move.  The fire heats up the room quickly and you take of you sweater and lie down putting your head in his lap.  He runs his fingers across your scalp.  

“Do you still love me?”  He asks.

“Yes.”  You answer.

“I never stopped loving you.  Not for one second.”  He says.  

You sit up and look at him.  “Yet you were still fine to do this to me.  You still chose Captain America over me.  What’s weird is, I never gave you that ultimatum.  I could have shared.  You decided that he couldn’t.”  

“I know you’re scared, sweetheart.  That’s why I did what I did.  Because of fear.  If you try and keep running from any kind of happiness how is that different to what I did?”  He asked.

“Same reason why if a dog bites you you might not put your hand near it’s face again.  I keep getting bitten over and over.  You didn’t just bite me, you mauled me.”  You sigh, letting your head fall back over the end of the couch.  “I don’t know what to do here, Steve.  I haven’t been living since what happened.  I’ve just been existing.  I can’t live with you and I can’t live without you.”

“What if, we start as friends?”  Steve offers.  “I just want you back in my life.  I’ll take friends.”

You shake your head.  “I mean, I want to be friends with you.  But we do that and …”  You shrug.  He knows.  You’ll get stuck.  It will never move forward.  Both of you will be too scared to try.  “Besides that’s not us.  You said it before once.  We work in the wrong order.”

“Then marry me.”  Steve says.

You sit bolt upright and stare at him shocked.  “That’s not what I meant.”

“Why not?  We get engaged.  I’m on the run from the law anyway, it’s not like I can legally marry yet anyway.  But we commit to the idea that we’re going to.  Then it’s us first.  No matter what happens.”  Steve says.   He’s talking fast like he’s really excited about the idea.  This is something he really wants.

“Steve…”  

He drops to his knee.  “Please, Y/N.  I was a complete jerk.  I love you.  I never stopped loving you.  Back before I screwed everything up I was thinking of asking you.  I want us to be together.  I want you to be my safe place and I want to be yours.  I lost sight of that, but I promise I’ll never do it again.  Please will you be my wife?”  

You keep going over why this is a terrible idea.  How he hurt you.  How everyone has always hurt you.  How if he can get scared and run once he can do it again.  It’s all drowned out by the fact that you love him.  He’s a good man who made a mistake and you love him more than you’ve ever loved anyone or anything.  “Okay.”  You say, softly.  

“Really?”  The shock in his voice is clear.  He expected another no.  

“Yes.  It might be the thing that finishes me off.  But we work in the wrong order.  I love you.  Let’s get married.”  

Steve pulls himself back onto the couch and shifts you into his lap.  You lean into a kiss and it is so familiar and you’d missed it so much that you feel like you’re going to start crying again.  He pulls back from you a moment, his hand slide down your throat.  

“I don’t have a ring.”  He says.  

You shake your head.  “It doesn’t matter.”  You go to kiss him again and he stops you.

“I would have liked to give you my mother’s.  It’s in the Avengers compound.  I don’t know how I would get it.”  He says.  

You graze your lips over his.  “We can figure it out.”

He leans up and when his mouth touches on yours, his tongue licks up, stroking over the back of your top teeth.  You shiver, your breath hitching and caress your tongue over his.  He tips you backwards and you move one leg under him, spreading and welcoming him into your embrace.  

His lips move from yours working their way down your throat.  His hand slides up under your t-shirt and cups your breast.  You moan as his thumb strokes over your nipple.  “I missed you, Steve.”

He hums and starts tugging at your shirt.  You push him up and pull it off over your head as he removes his.  He pushes you back and pulls your breast from your bra cup and dives on it.  He spends a tortuously long time sucking and biting at your nipple.  He moves one one breast to the other kneading them in his palm as he grinds his crotch into yours.

You can feel his erection straining against his jeans.  You scramble at his fly and free it.  Taking it in your hand and stroking in up and down his shaft.  It rests against his belly and every time he grinds against you you feel it against yours too.  Precome drips onto your skin.  You run your fingers through it and then suck it from your fingertips.  Relishing the salty, slightly bitter taste that you had missed so much.

Steve fumbles with your fly and you help him to unfasten it.  He pulls your jeans and panties off in one go.  He lines himself up with your cunt and you press your hand on his hips, holding him back.  

“I stopped taking birth control after you.  I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else.”  You say.  

He slides back from you and frowns.  “I don’t have anything with me.  We can do something else.”  

He presses his body down on yours and you absentmindedly stroke his cock as he nuzzles at your throat.  You start to slide your pussy up and down his length, using it to massage against your clit.  Occasionally it will press against the entrance of your cunt, threatening to enter you before sliding up your folds.  

“Steve,”  You moan.  “I want you.  I want you to fuck me.  I missed how you feel inside of me.  How full you make me.”  

He shifts so he’s propped above you.  “I’ll go out later and get protection.”  He says and bring his lips to yours.  

You cup his face and the most reckless, poorly thought out idea comes to you.  “Steve,”  You breathe.  “We work in the wrong order.”

He looks at you, his eyes soft and he enters you.  You moan, your head falling back.  You feel full and warm and connected.  You missed it all and you welcomed it back gratefully.  You wrap your arms around him dragging him as close against you as two bodies can get.  He engulfs you and fills you and you start kissing him furiously.  

You both become frantic, he starts to thrust quickly, pulling almost all the way out and slamming back into you.  You whimper into his kiss.  You become lightheaded and completely out of control.  Your body clenches as liquid heat pools in your belly and then spreads through you making your skin tingle and your hair follicles prickle.  

Without breaking the kiss, or pulling out Steve moves you both suddenly so he’s sitting up and you’re straddling him.  You brace your feet on the back of the couch and ride him.   Up and down, over and over.  Your core clenches suddenly and you come, breaking your kiss and crying out.  You keep moving though, like you’re racing him to his orgasm.  He holds your hips and you stare into his eyes, your body still quivering with your orgasm.  

“I love you, Steve.”  You whisper.  Your lips graze over his and he slams up into your, spilling deep inside of you.  

You collapse against him and he wraps you in his arms as his cock pulses and twitches inside of you.  When you feel him still, you shift, letting him slip from your wetness and you curl up in his lap.  

“I love you.”  He says. Pressing his lips against the crown of your head.  “Thank you for trusting me.  For letting us try again.”

“What are we going to do now?”   You ask.

Steve rubs your arm.  “We still have to run.  I guess now though, we run together.”


	10. Weihnachten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Steve spend Christmas in Germany enjoying each other and the Christmas Markets. However there is something brewing that will change both your lives.

You’d never really done Christmas before.  Since you’d escaped your parents celebrating a holiday that just made you realize how alone you were seemed like an unusual kind of punishment.  Often you’d sign up to be the one to work or you’d find some work elsewhere if your regular job wasn’t open.  Extra pay and other miserable people around you was just as good a way to celebrate the holiday as any.  

After Tony had given you the payout for the injuries you’d received at Avengers Tower, you just drank through it.  It meant the day or two following the holiday were spent hugging the toilet.  Still you didn’t remembered the actually day, so you counted it as a win.

Now you and Steve were on the run together and Christmas had come around and he was really into it.  You rented an apartment in the middle of the Altstadt in Hannover, Germany.  The Christmas Markets were being held just outside your door and Steve was in some kind of heaven.  

Hannover was small enough that no one there that had their eye open for Captain America, but big enough that their Christmas markets were impressive and covered blocks and blocks of the city.  Steve was still going full beard in an attempt at a disguise.  He really looked nothing like Captain America anymore.  His disguise in general made him look like a hipster.  Full beard, thick rimmed completely aesthetic glasses, plaid.  It wasn’t him, but he wore it well.

The two of you would steal out into the markets in the afternoon when the crowds were heavy enough to swallow you.  You’d buy hot glühwein and feuerzangenbowle to drink and salmon smoked over grates, or crepes with nutella, or bread trenchers full of hot, spiced meats to eat and then bundle back into your apartment and sit at the window watching the crowds and listening to the music waft up from down stairs.  

Steve was so enamored with the experience and just being him with you, that he hadn’t even noticed that when you went and bought the drinks that you weren’t buying yourself the warmed alcoholic drinks he was drinking but heisse schokolade or kinderpunsch.  You’d also successfully been hiding the morning sickness.  So far it hadn’t been too hard to do.  You tended to get sick in the shower.  Something about the smell of the soap would set you off.  You’d just get out, throw up and then get back in and let the water settle your stomach again.  While the nausea didn’t really go away all day, you could live with it.  So you just made sure you didn’t complain.  

 On Christmas Eve it snowed.   It wasn’t common for the region, but not unheard of.  The snow was that light powder that sits in piles of individual flakes that at first sight looks like fluff but when you take a closer look you can see each perfectly formed, unique crystal.  

The markets around Altstadt had ended the day before but there were still some up near the train station. Steve avoided the area if he could because it was usually where the tourists loitered and the chance of him being recognized seemed higher.  So you stocked up on your groceries, made hot buttered rum for Steve and you sat up late just curled up under a blanket together watching ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’  and ‘A Christmas Carol’.

When the last movie ends he kisses you on the side of the neck, his beard tickling your skin.  “Germany was a good idea.  I was worried at first, but it couldn’t have been more perfect.”

“No one does Christmas like the Germans.”  You agree turning your face to him. 

He runs his thumb along your jaw and gently teases your bottom lip. Your lips part and you take a deep breath that shudders through you.  

“I hate this running.  I hate that I’ve had to make my friends scatter.  That none of them are safe because of my choices.  I hate that Bucky chose to leave me again.  I don’t know what I would do if you kept rejecting me.”  He says.  

“I know.”  

He pushes his thumb into your mouth and you suck on it.  “If I have to be a nomad I’m glad it’s with you.”  He breathes.

His hand moves to your hair and he leans into you slowly, his lips parting.  Your breath hitches and your tongue darts out just before his lips touch yours, licking over the corner of his mouth.  He tastes of rum and spice and he’s running hot.  His lips feel like hot coals against yours.  His tongue pushes into your mouth and you dance yours against his.

Steve slips his hands under your body and lifts you bridal style.  You wrap your arms around his neck and he carries you to the bedroom, only breaking your kiss when he places you on the bed.

You sit up and hook your fingers into the waistband of his pajama pants and pull him towards you.  He scrambles to remove his shirt as you push his pants down.  He is already hard.  His cock springs up and rests against his belly.  You run your tongue along his length and tease at the head before rolling onto your back and taking him into your mouth.  He bends over you and his hand slips into your pajama pants, teasing your pussy as he fucks your mouth.  

The position you’re in opens your throat up for him, so you’re able to take him deeper than you normal can, but it’s difficult to maintain.  Your breath is hard to catch and to allow yourself time to breathe you release him and begin to lap from his balls and between his legs.  

He groans loudly and his breathing shallows.  You start to pump his cock with your fist and become more bold with your tongue.  Each swipe gets closer and closer to his anus.   The noises he begins to make are so base level, animalistic it makes your body tremble.  Steve rarely loses control like this.  He won’t allow it.  Yet here you are making him come apart.  You circle around his anus with the point of your tongue and arch up, so your chest is pushed against his cock.  After unbuttoning your shirt you take his cock and press it against your chest and push your tits together around it.  You then push your tongue into his asshole.  

He moans your name and grips your thighs with his large hands.  You continue to lick at him and move against his cock.  Your chest becomes sticky as precome leaks onto your skin.

“Fuck.  Please stop.”  Steve pants.  

You back off letting your head fall back and his cock spring away from you.  “Are you sure?  I don’t mind if you come on me.”  

“I know.  I know.”  He pants.  “I want to… I want us to make love.”

You scoot around into the middle of the bed, shedding your pajamas as you go.  He moves between your legs and runs his hands up your knee high bed socks.  “I like when you leave your socks on.”  

“Keeps my feet warm.”  You say.  

He tickles you and you clamp your legs around him pulling him down against you as you squirm and writhe below him.  His fingers move down along your side and between your legs.  He teases your pussy.  Stroking his fingers over your public mound.  

It feels like an eternity that he does that for.  He starts to kiss you again, his other hand fisting in your hair, but the anticipation of what those fingers are going to do to you becomes torture.  You whimper and squirm under him, pushing against his fingers so they slip between your folds.  

“Did you want something, sweetheart?”  He asks.  

“Steve…”  You whine.

“Oh, darlin’.  Am I teasing you?”  He says.  His finger pushes down on your clit and you’re so over wound and sensitive that is sends a sharp jolt through your body and you groan, bucking against him.  

He laughs and starts to move down your body, placing little kisses along your stomach as he goes.  “Well this isn’t going to take long.”  

He spreads your folds and his tongue flicks at your clit.  It makes you squirm, pressure building in your core.  His fingers tease at the entrance to your cunt.  

“Steve.”  You say his name like you’re scolding him for misbehaving in class.  He laughs again and two of his fingers enter you.  He curls them inside you,  pushing against your g-spot and then dragging them over it.  You cry out and buck under him.  He focuses his mouth on your clit, tonguing it and sucking on it. 

He is right.  It doesn’t take long.  You come quickly and hard.  Your whole body spasms, and lights pop behind your eyes as you cry out a string of curse words.

Steve crawls up your body positioning himself between your legs.  “That’s an impressive mouth you’ve got on you, sweetheart.”  He says.  “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such a colorful array of language and I was in the army.”

“I’ve got plenty more where that came from.”  You say.

You feel his cock press against your cunt and he looks deep into your eyes.  “I love you.”  He whispers.

“I love you too.  I’ve always loved you, Steven Grant Rogers.  From the day we met.  I tried really hard not to.  I wanted to hate you for a while.  I wanted to pretend you didn’t exist.  But in the end it was always you.  It will always be you.”

He dives on you.  As you kiss, a kiss that is both lust and love, and passion and tenderness, he enters you.  You gasp.  One day you might become used to his size, today is not that day.  He doesn’t give you time to adjust though, he just starts to thrust.  

You come apart.  

You cling to him, your hands clutching at his muscular back, your legs wrapped around his tiny waist.  He cradles your head with his arm and stares into your eyes.  A kind of electricity passes between you and you feel like if you let go of him you’ll just freefall.  

You come for the second time tonight, clenching hard around him.  His body takes its cue from yours and he jerks suddenly spilling into you.  His thrusting slows as his cock pulses inside you and when it stills he slips out of you and rolls onto his back panting.  You move to the crook of his arm, curling your body against his and pull the comforter over the both of you.  

He kisses you again, but neither of you say anything else tonight.  You fall asleep happy in the knowledge that you are together and in love.

You wake the next morning to Steve’s hands roaming your body and his lips pressed against the back of your neck.  You murmur a good morning and he pulls you against him, his cock pressing against your ass.  You hum and allow him to slip his hand between your legs.  Just as you start to feel that pleasant tingling sensation start to grow in your cunt a wave of nausea washes over you and you jerk away from him and dash to the bathroom.  You only barely make it in time to drop to your knees and heave into the toilet.  

Steve comes up behind you, pulling your hair away from your face and rubbing your back.  When you are finally sure your stomach has settled, you get to your feet and flush.  Your body feels clammy and sweat clings to your skin.  Steve holds you against his chest and you’re not sure if you hate it and just want to get into the shower or if you love it.  

“Do you think it was something you ate?”  He asks.  You shake your head and pull away from him and go and brush your teeth.  

“Are you coming down with something?”  He asks.  

“You could say that.”  You answer heading to the shower and turning on the water.  

“Do you think it’s the flu?  We’re supposed to move on from here in a couple of the days, but if you’re going to be too unwell we should make arrangements to go somewhere nearby.”  

You step under the water and let it wash over you for a little while.  Steve climbs in behind you and starts to wash your body.  Lathering up a washcloth and stroking it over your skin.

“It’s okay.  It’s not the flu.”  You answer stepping out from under the water.  

Steve picks up the shampoo and squeezes it on the palm of his hand and then massages it into your scalp.  It makes your skin prickle and you hum as his fingertips work through your hair.  “How can you be so sure?”

“I know what it is, is all.”  You answer, stepping back under the water and rinsing your hair off.  When you step out Steve is waiting for you with conditioner.  He uses the palms of his hands to coat your hair, starting from the roots and making his way to the tips.  

“Is it serious?  Should I be worried.”  He asks.

“It’s pretty serious.  Yeah.”  You answer.  You turn to face him and he looks like he’s in actual physical pain.  You touch his face, running your fingers over his brow to smooth out the creases.  “I’m pregnant.”

He shakes his head like he’s trying to clear it.  “Wait, what?”

“Yep.”  Is all you say.  You step back under the water and rinse the conditioner from your hair.  

When you step out, Steve looks even more worried than before.  “What are we gonna do?”  He asks.  

“Yeah.  We probably should have thought through the whole ‘us working in the wrong order’ thing a bit better.”  You say getting out of the shower.  

You grab a towel and wrap it around you.  Steve switches off the water and follows you.

“Are you mad?”  He asks.

You turn to him.  “No.  I’m scared.  Really fucking scared.  Steve, my parents used to beat me.  I know you know that, but I’ve never said it out loud.  They used to beat me to the point I was in hospital.   We’re on the run, we’ve only barely gotten back together.  I’m scared.”  

He wraps his arms around you pulling you against his chest.  You kind of feel like you might cry, but also that it’s not you.  Someone else wants to cry and she’s floating below you being hugged by Steve Rogers.  

“I don’t know what to do.”  Steve says.  

You bark a laugh.  “Are you mad?”  

“No.  I’m scared too.  Not about us.  Or even being a parent really.  Just - how do we do this on the run?”  He says.  “We’re not really very smart about us, are we?”  

You start laughing, really laughing and he joins in.  It relaxes you and he kisses you on the head.  

You look up at him and frown.  “Maybe I should get an abortion.”  You say.  

“Is that what you want to do?”  He asks.

You feel like a deer in headlights.  Like if you say what you really want, that you do want to keep this baby.  Even though that seems like a ridiculous risk to his safety.  That it will make him feel pressured to agree to that.  But if you say you want an abortion he’ll agree to keep you happy and you’ll end up doing something you both regret.  

“I - I …”  You stutter.  “What do you want?”

“I want us to not be on the run so we can have this baby and a home.”  He answers.

You go and flop on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  “That’s not a very helpful answer, Steve.”

“I have something for you.  Hang on.”  He says suddenly.  You sit up and watch as he marches, naked and wrapped in a towel from the room.  

He returns with a small, beautifully wrapped gift.  The paper is a shimmery light blue with snowflakes on it and a silver bow is stuck to the top.  “Merry Christmas.”  He says.

“Frohe Weihnachten.”  You reply taking the gift from him.  

Carefully you pull the paper away to reveal an old, black velvet ring box.  You open it and nestled inside is a simple, delicate, vintage engagement ring.  It has a gold band and a row of four, solitaire cut diamonds.

“Is it your mom’s ring?”  You ask, staring at it.

“Yes.”  He answers.

“How?”  

He runs his hand through his hair and kneels in front of you.  “Nat.”  He answers.  “I love you, and I meant it when I said I wanted to marry you.”

“I want to have this baby, Steve.”   You say.  Your voice cracking.  A tear slips down your cheek and with that one renegade others follow until you find yourself crying a deep inconsolable cry.  

He holds you and strokes your hair.  “Shh.”  He says.  “It’s okay.  We can work this out.  It will work out. I promise.”

“What are we going to do?”  You ask.  The words come out stuttered.  You sound like a little kid who’s mid tantrum and can’t get their breath under control to form words properly.

“I don’t know.  Maybe if we go to Wakanda.  It might be asking a lot, but King T’challa is protecting Bucky.  Maybe he’ll extend that to us until we can work out something else.”

A cell phone starts ringing.  You look at Steve startled.  It’s not a ring you’ve heard before.  Steve jumps away from you like he’s been burned and scrambles to find the phone.  He presses accept call and holds it to his ear.  His body straightens out and his shoulders square off.  When he speaks, it’s formal and authoritative.  Not the voice of Steve Rogers.  The voice of a man you hate.  The voice of Captain America.  “Tony?”  He says.  “What’s happened?”


	11. Desire and Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the upcoming Infinity War Steve returns to the Avengers. Your lives both change forever.

You stand in the bathroom watching Steve shave.  Slowly shedding the disguise he’d been living with for the last year and a half.  Each swipe of the razor along his strong jaw bringing him closer to being the thing you hated most of all.

“You’re really going back to Stark after everything that happened?”  You ask.

“I have to.”  He answers.

It feels like a weight is sitting on your chest.  Every breath in you take, takes a monumental amount of effort and it hurts.  It hurts so badly.  He’d already done this to you once before.   He’d promised he wouldn’t do it again.  Yet here he was.  You felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

“What about us.  You said…”

“This is bigger than us.”  Steve answers.  He washes the last traces of shaving cream from his jaw and rinses the razor off.

You follow him back into the bedroom.  “You told me it was me.  I can’t fucking believe you’re doing this to me.  Again!”

Steve turns to face you.  His eyes soften and he approaches you.  “This doesn’t need to change you and me.  I have to go, but you could come with me.  I want you to.”

“Why should I?  You told me you weren’t going to be him any more.  You told me you were giving that up.”  You shout.  Your hands are trembling and bile rises in your throat.  A wave of nausea crashes down on you and you rush back into the bathroom, dropping to your knees in front of the toilet and heaving into the bowl.

Steve comes up behind you, pulling your hair back from your face.  When you finally think you’ve emptied your stomach of every last thing it held you look up at him.  “I’m going to get an abortion.”  You say.

Steve stands and the look he gives you is of such hurt.  A small vindictive part of you is glad.  “Don’t say that.  You said you wanted to keep it.”

You get to your feet.  “What I wanted was a life with the man I loved.  I’m terrified about having a kid.  I thought I could do it with you.  When I’m with you I’m a better version of me.  I can’t do it alone.  Why would you expect me to want to?”

You rinse your mouth and head back into the bedroom.  “Put on your coat, we’re going for a walk.  You owe me that much.”

Steve sighs and follows you.

* * *

You walk through the deserted streets of Hannover, all the residence inside celebrating the holiday.  You skirt the edge of the main shopping center.  Your feet make a soft crunch in the fresh powder snow on the ground.

You reach your destination.  The ruins of a small church that had been flattened in World War II.  Just the walls remain and a crucifix stands inside.

“You did this.”  You say, standing in the middle of the former building.

“I never fought in Hannover.”  Steve says.

You laugh.  “That was a lovely deflection of blame, Steve.  I didn’t know you had that kind of thing in you.”  You walk into the only covered area of the church.  There is an old bell with an inscription in both German and Japanese.  You run your hand over it.  “Hannover was a strategic military target during the war.  They made weapons here.  The whole city was flattened.  All the old buildings you’ve been enjoying in the Aldstadt.  Leibnizhaus.  Marktkirche.   They were all rebuilt.  Only one building stands that is actually older than you.   Think about all the innocent people who must have died.  All the children.  The women who were carrying their lover’s babies.  They were the bad guys though, so I guess that makes it okay.”

“It was war.”  Steve says.

You turn to face him.  “It sure was.  The Germans were doing some bad shit that’s for sure.  You’d know.  You were there.  You made the choice to become a lab experiment and fight against them.  You got your best friend killed.  You committed suicide from the guilt.  Did you joining actually help in the end?  Do you think it was really all on your shoulders?  Do you think maybe you might have given enough of yourself up?”

Steve puts his hand on your cheek and you lean into it. “I know you’re scared.  I wouldn’t do this if I thought I had a choice.  Aliens are coming they have …”

“Aliens?  Steve?  Jesus Christ.  They have the technology to travel light years through space.  What are you gonna do?  Throw your shield at them?”  You scoff.

“There are people who have abilities that far exceed mine that can fight.  They need a leader.  Someone to look to.  That’s who I am.  It’s who I’ve always been.  No, I didn’t single handedly win World War II.  But I gave people someone to look to to inspire them.”

“Let someone else be that, Steve.  There are other people they can look to.  Other people can put on that uniform.”  You plead.  “I need you.”

“I can’t.  I can’t just sit back and let the world get conquered.  How would that help us?  You need to stop being selfish and think of other people for a change.”  Steve snaps.

“Or maybe you need to be a little more selfish.”  You start to walk off on him and he grabs you by the elbow.

“How’s this for selfish then?  If I do this.  I go back and help.  I just do the right thing.  I clear my name and they clear all the names of the people who I had exiled and put into danger.  Wanda, Sam, Clint, Scott.  They all get to go home.  Bucky gets his name cleared.  They help clear him of his brainwashing.  I get to have my best friend back.  Not only that, you’re safe.  We don’t have to run. We can stop and have this baby in safety.  We can raise them like normal people and not fugitives.”  Steve implores.  “Please just trust me.  I’m not abandoning you again.  I just need to do what’s right.”

* * *

Stark sends a Quinjet and several soldiers to collect you and Steve.  At first you’re sure that they’re there to arrest him, but they are all respectful and defer to his authority.  

Your first stop is Wakanda.  It takes half the day to get there even in the jet.  You throw up so many times thanks to a mixture of morning and motion sickness that you’re eventually just vomiting up the water they keep trying to get you to drink.

You spend most of the trip with your head in Steve’s lap as he holds a cold compress against your forehead.

When you arrive in Wakanda you attempt a bow to King T’Challa.  You are so weak at this point it just comes out a wobbly nod of the head.  You’re taken to a medical wing and given an IV of saline to rehydrate you while Steve retrieves Bucky.

Steve comes into the room followed by his friend.  Bucky is wearing white cotton and his hair is cut short.  He also has a prosthetic arm, made of black metal plates that shift against each other as they move.  Steve introduces the two of you and sits on the side of the bed.  “How are you feeling?”  He asks, his fingers stroking through your hair.

“Better.”  You say.

“I’m not sure what we should do right now.  Should I leave you here come back when you’re able to travel more easily?”  He asks.

“No.  The doctors gave me some sedatives to take and something for the nausea.”  You say.  “I’m not letting you leave me behind.”

“But the baby…” Steve says.

“Is fine.  We’re both fine. We’re coming.”  You say.

“Baby?”  Bucky says, softly.

Steve smiles up at his friend and his hand runs over your stomach.  “That’s right.  You’re gonna be an Uncle, Buck.”  

You start giggling and they both look at you confused.  “Sorry.  That’s the name of a movie.  Just pretend I’m not here.”

“I can’t believe you’re having kids before me.”  Bucky says.  The way Steve looks at him as he talks, it’s like he is seeing his best friend for the first time.   “You aren’t married though?”

Steve shakes his head.  “I couldn’t get married if you weren’t there to be my best man.”

“Jeez, Stevie,”  Bucky cringes.  “Your mom would box your ears if she knew.”

“We live in a different world, Buck.  Different rules.”  Steve laughs.  “We’ll put it right as soon as we can.”

* * *

You leave Wakanda accompanied by T’Challa.  There are four more stops to collect each of Steve’s fugitive friends.  You sleep for most of it.  The sedatives having knocked you right out.

When you arrive in New York, Tony is waiting on the landing pad with James Rhodes and a bunch of military men, all with their weapons raised.  You stay on the plane as Steve steps out onto the ramp followed by the others.

“Tony.  We’re friends here.”  Steve says, calmly.

“He is no friend of mine.”  Tony snaps, gesturing to Bucky.

“You know that wasn’t him.  Not really.  We’re all here to help.  Get them to lower their weapons.”  Steve says.

Tony makes a quick gesture and the men all lower their weapons.  Steve walks towards Tony and offers him his hand.  “I think you need to fill us all into the threat.”

The others file off and FRIDAY the new AI guides you to Steve’s old quarters.  You take a shower and then sleep off the last of the sedatives.

Steve wakes you and the sun is just beginning to set.  The light outside his window is a vibrant orange blending into purple.

“We leave tomorrow.”  He says.  “You can stay here.  That’s what I want for you.  There is a medical staff and it’s protected.  You’ll be safe.”

“Okay.”  You say.

He leans down and kisses you on the forehead.  “I’m not going to lie.  This is going to be dangerous.  I might not come back.”

“Please don’t say that.”  You say, tears threatening to break.

“It’s true.  I will do everything I can to make sure I do.  But this threat… it’s nothing like I’ve ever faced before.”  He runs a hand through your hair, twisting a lock around your finger.  “I want to marry you.  Will you marry me?”

You laugh.  “I already said I would.  Twice now.”

“No, I mean right now.  I want to marry you right now.”  He says.

You feel like maybe you should feel something right now.  Excitement?  Terror?  Frustration?  Something?  It’s almost like all the feelings are just cancelling each other out and all that’s left is calm.  “Okay.”  You agree.

* * *

There is another flight.  This one to Las Vegas.  Most of the Avengers come with you.  You find a chapel and Natasha and Wanda help you dress in a floaty, pale blue dress that you already own, and fix your hair and makeup.

The Chapel provides a bouquet of small pink roses.  You follow Natasha down the aisle.  Steve is standing next to Bucky and Sam.  They are all wearing simple black suits.  He is smiling and looking at you like no one has ever looked at you before.  The way people always talk about but you’ve never really experienced before.

The vows are said.  They’re just those standard back of a cereal box set.  You barely listen, too caught up with how completely in love with Steve you feel right now.  You almost forget to say ‘I do.’  Steve has to nudge you and you both laugh.

When they get to the ‘you may kiss the bride’ part, Steve does not hold back.  You were sure he’d chicken out in front of his friends and all you’d get was a brief peck.  Instead he dips you and kisses you so deeply and with so much love it takes your breath away.

Tony had booked a private banquet room at Caesar’s Palace.  You can’t drink, but you watch as most of the others get completely wasted.  Not because they’re celebrating your wedding.  They’re just letting off steam before they go to their imminent deaths.

You start to wane early and ask Steve if you can leave soon.  He agrees.  He can’t get drunk and watching his friends do this last breath in death rattle is depressing for him.  You go to use the bathroom just before you leave and Tony bails you up at the door.

“Mixology.”  He says.

“Mr Stark.”  You reply.

“You’ve been harboring a fugitive with my money?”

You roll your eyes.  “My money.”

“I don’t understand.  How could you take him back after what he did?  How could you forgive him?”  The way he talks tells you this is more about him than you.  You take his hand in yours and squeeze it.

“People get angry and people get scared.  That’s what makes us human.  Do you think he’s a bad man?”  You ask.

Tony shakes his head.

“Do you think he meant to hurt you?”

He shakes his head again.  

“Captain America is a real shit head.  Steve’s not so bad.  But he’s human.  Might be worth giving him a second chance.  I know he’ll do the same for you.”  You say.

Tony looks away from you and when he looks back it’s like he’s a completely different person.  “Rumor has it that you’ve got a bun in the oven.”

“Is that what you’ve heard?”

He laughs.  “No need to be coy.  Look, whatever happens.  I’ll make sure they’re looked after.  You don’t have to worry.”

“Just try and bring him back.  That’s all I want.”  You say.  He nods and you let his hand go.  “And Tony, when you get back, invest in therapy.”

Tony laughs.  “Why would I need to?  I’ve got you.”

* * *

After throwing the bouquet and Wanda catching it you and Steve head up to a honeymoon suite.  Steve lifts you and carries you over the threshold.  He sets you on your feet.  He leans down so his mouth hovers over yours.

“Mrs Rogers.”  He says.

“Steve.”  You reply.  His mouth connects with yours and the world stops.  There is nothing else except the two of you.  You wrap your arms around his neck and cling to him.

Eventually he pulls away from you and you gaze up at him, light headed and woosie.

“If you’re too tired we don’t have to do anything.  I understand.”  He says.

“Steve, I may never see you again.  I don’t plan to sleep tonight.”

His mouth is on yours again and you pull him back onto the bed with you.   He scrambles to remove your dress.  

He fumbles with the zip as you start shedding his clothes from him.  “Just tear it, Steve.”  You complain.

He grabs it by the neckline and tears down.  You scramble to remove your bra and then return your attention to him.  He latches onto your breast, sucking your nipple into his mouth.  They are so sensitive that it sends a shock wave right through you. Equal parts pleasure and pain.  Your hands grip the sheets as you arch up and cry out.

Steve slips his hand into your panties and rubs the tip of his finger over your clit in small circles as his sucks and bites at one nipple and then the other.  All you can do is hold onto him as an orgasm rocks through you.  

Steve crawls down your body, pulling your panties from you, his mouth never leaving your skin.  When he reaches your pussy he laps at you, from the entrance of your cunt to your clit.  Broad swipes of his tongue, drinking from you.  He pushes two fingers inside of you and strokes them inside of you, drawing your wetness out so he can have move.

He tongues your clit and bites at it as his fingers press and drag along your g-spot.  Your legs tremble and pressure builds like hot lead in your stomach.  You come for a second time and thrash away from him, trying to escape it.

He starts to make his way back up your body but your push him back so he’s sitting.  You get up shedding the ruined material of your dress and lower yourself down onto his cock slowly.  When he as filled you as much as you can take you start to move as one.  You maintain eye contact as you roll your hips in his lap and he thrusts up into you.  You come together.  Each crying out the other’s name.

Despite how near exhaustion you are both mentally and physically, you and Steve manage to make love four more times that night.  Working in bars has allowed you to be able to push through that level of exhaustion when you need to.  Tonight you need to.

At around three in the morning there is a pounding on the door.  Steve hurriedly pulls on some pants and answers it.  Tony is standing there completely frantic.

“They’ve broken through the first line of defense.  We have to go.”  He says.  “There’s a chopper waiting to take you back to the compound.”  He adds, addressing you.

Steve quickly pulls on his remaining clothes and comes to kiss you.

“I love you, Steve.  Please come back.”  You plead.

“I’ll do my best.  I love you too.”  

And with that he is gone and you are once again alone.


	12. The Soldier and the Orphan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for the return of the Avengers you face the possibility of having to raise your baby alone.

Four months.  Four months you wait without word for the Avengers to return.  The fight against Thanos for the Infinity Stones occurred both on and off planet.  Sometimes you’d see Steve fighting in the far off distance in news reports, only to not see him again for weeks.  Tony sent updates periodically to FRIDAY.  At one point Clint was badly injured.  He came back in a jet with Natasha who just dropped him with the medical team and ran.  There was no time to fill you in.

You visited in with Clint regularly.  He tried so hard not to worry you.  Telling you the last time he saw Cap he was fine.  That they were struggling but he hadn’t lost hope.  The careful words he used made you feel more fearful than if he straight up told you they were losing.  It made you feel like you were standing on tightrope and at any point you could plunge off.  At least him being honest you’d know.

“Don’t worry, darlin’”  Clint said as you sat beside his bed trying to ply him for more information.  He was drinking from a juice box that looked ridiculously small in his large hands.  “He’s Captain America.  He’s coming home.   Look! I came home and I’m just a regular guy.”

“You only barely came home.”  You mutter.

“Yeah, but like I said.  Regular guy.  Cap’s not a regular anything.  He’ll be back for you.  It’s all he talked about.”  Clint assured you.

He crunched the juice box in his fist.  “Ugh, I feel like I just stole my kids lunch.  Sneak me in a beer or something next time.  Or better yet… Long Island Ice Tea.  We can pretend it’s the prohibition.”

“You’re not allowed to drink on your pain meds.”  You sigh.

He rolled his eyes and groaned.  “That’s why it would be like the prohibition.”

Clint went home a couple of weeks after that.  He was permanently out of the fight and he just wanted to be around his family.  You could sympathise.  You wanted the exact same thing.

By the time the Quinjet returned to the compound your morning sickness had gone away.  You were starting to show a little, but you weren’t so big it was uncomfortable.  All the test were fine, both you and the baby were healthy.  If only the crushing weight of fear would go away.

You rushed outside, running across the tarmac and as you got closer you started seeing them emerge from the jet.  Tony came first, followed by Rhodey, then Natasha, Bruce, Wanda.   They looked so exhausted and battered.  Tony saw you and he started running towards you.  That action was when you knew.  You knew.

You dropped to your knees as he got to you and wailed.  Crying out incoherently in anguish.  Tony wrapped his arms around you.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  He says, stroking your hair.

His apology just makes it worse.  You sob, loudly.  It wracks your body.  You can’t get control of yourself or bring yourself to do anything other than to succumb to the anguish you feel, sitting on the hot runway.

Tony ends up lifting you and carrying you inside.   Taking you to the room that was Steve’s room and putting you into bed.  You cry yourself to sleep with Tony sitting beside you stroking your hair.

He was completely obliterated.  That’s what you got from them.  He, Doctor Strange and some raccoon.  A raccoon they said.  It felt like they were making a joke out of it.  How could he have been fighting with a raccoon?  They were hit with an energy blast so large that when the dust cleared all that was left was a crater in the ground.  You didn’t even have a body to bury.  There was a memorial put up outside the compound.  It nearly killed you having to attend the revealing of that.  Here’s the permanent reminder of what happens when you’re determined to fight in battles in which you are ridiculously outclassed.

You weren’t the only one struggling with his loss though.  They all were to different extents, but none more so than Bucky Barnes.  You and Bucky were inconsolable.  You were also both completely alone and out of place with the Avengers.  None of the others seemed to really like him.  There was just this level of resentment and fear around him.  He spent so much time alone.  While the others tried to draw you in and and make sure you felt like you had them to lean on, they at best ignored Bucky and at worst were openly hostile to him.  Only Wanda seemed to tolerate him and show him any level of kindness.

You started to circle each other.  Attracted to the shared grief and isolation.  Neither of you really speaking to each other.   You were each someone to be sad next to, so you didn’t have to be sad alone.

You were sitting in the communal living area together.  The last of the others had just passed through the room off to work.  You were now seven months pregnant and still had no idea what you were doing with yourself.  You felt the strong need to leave, but you had no one anymore.  No one except this group of friends of Steve’s.  Many of whom had shown they weren’t exactly good friends and none of whom you knew particularly well.

“Why do they hate you so much?”  You ask, as Natasha said goodbye to you and ignored Bucky all together.

“You don’t know?”  He replies, looking at you sadly.

“I only know what Steve told me about you.  Most of that was what you did as kids.  I know that you were captured by Hydra and that he spent two years trying to find you.  He never liked to speak to me about Captain America stuff.  It’s why they don’t really know me well.  I was Steve’s place to be Steve.”  You explain.

Bucky reaches over and squeezes your hand.  “I’m glad he had you.”  He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.  “They don’t trust me.  I was under mind control.  I’ve openly attacked Sam.  I threw him off a helicarrier.  Natasha too, but worse.  We have history.  I shouldn’t say too much, because it’s her personal stuff but I was made to do things to her you wouldn’t do to an animal.  Tony…  I murdered Tony’s parents.  It’s all justifiable.”

“You were under mind control?”  You ask.

He nods, but doesn’t look at you.

“So, it wasn’t really you.”

“I know.  But it happened.  They think it might happen again.  It’s not always easy to forgive.  I’m not sure that I deserve it if they could bring themselves to anyway.”  He says.

This time you take his hand and squeeze it.  “Why don’t you leave?”

Bucky shrugs.  “I’m not allowed.  It’s one of the conditions of me not being in prison that I remain in the custody of the Avengers.  I’m basically their weapon now.”

Your heart breaks for him.  What he’s going through is so much more than losing his best friend.  He’d lost the only person who trusted him.  Who saw him as a human being.

“Steve talked about you coming to live with us a lot.  He wanted you back in his life so badly.  He trusted you, Bucky.  So I trust you.”  You say.

He looks at you and smiles.  “Do you think that when the baby is born you’d let me be part of it’s life?  I mean like it’s uncle or something?”

“Of course you can be her uncle.  Steve wanted that.  I think they’re going to need someone other than me.”

“Her?”  He asks, his eyes going wide.

“Yeah.  I’m having a girl.  Do you think Steve would have been excited to know that?  I sometimes wonder what his reaction would have been to finding out.”  You reply.  Tears start slipping down your cheeks.  You wipe them away in frustration and Bucky moves closer to you putting his arm around your shoulder.

“He would have been really excited, doll.  He would have been ecstatic.”  Bucky soothes.

You rest your head in the crook of his arm, not realizing how badly you’d missed physical contact with another person.  “She has the hiccups.  You wanna feel?”

He looks at you eyes wide.  “You can feel that?”

You take his hand and place it on your stomach.  A moment later it twitches as your daughter hiccups inside the womb.  Bucky grins at you.  “Oh wow.  That’s so weird.  Poor little thing probably has no idea what’s going on.”

Out of nowhere grief just takes hold of you.  Bucky’s genuine interest and concern for your unborn baby just reminds you of how Steve was never going to get to be part of this.  That you have been and are completely alone in this.  You break down in loud, uncontrollable sobs and get up, intent on heading to your room to escape your embarrassment and how vulnerable you feel.

Bucky gets up and stops you with a hand on your elbow.  “What happened?  Did I do something?”

You turn to face him, trying to get yourself under control.  “How - am - I - supposed to - do this?”  You ask.  Your words coming out in short burst as you sob.  “He was - supposed - supposed to be here.  I’m so alone.”

Bucky wraps his arms around you and holds you against his chest.  Holding you as you release all the grief you’d just been sitting on in an attempt to stay strong for the past three months in one go.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay.  You don’t need to be alone.  I’m here.”

“It’s not the same.”

Bucky shakes his head.  “No.  I know.  But you aren’t alone, doll.  You’re not.”

* * *

Bucky is as good as his word.  By your ninth month of pregnancy he’s attended every visit to the medical wing with you.  He’s seen every ultrasound.  He’s catered for every craving.  He rubs your back when you complain about back pain and your feet when you complain about them.  He’s not Steve and he never will be, but he’s there for you and you both need that person so badly.

The closer and closer you get to your due date the more and more it becomes clear that neither of you belong in the Avengers compound.

You knock on Tony’s office door and he waves you in like you’re bothering him. He spins in his chair and puts his feet on his desk.  On his window sill is a sketch of a monkey on a unicycle that looks like something Steve drew.  You frown when you take your seat.

“What’s up, sad sack?”  He asks.

“After the baby is born I’m leaving.”  You say.

Tony sits bolt upright and puts his hands on the desk.  “Hey, hey.  Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

“I don’t belong here, Tony.  You know it.  I know it.  Everyone does.”  You sigh.  “It would be different if Steve was here.  But he isn’t and we all need to start realizing that.”

“He told me to look after you.”  Tony implores.  His reaction is like you’re causing him physical pain.

“You have been looking after me.  I don’t plan on going far.  I can’t exactly run like I did last time.  I have someone else I have to consider now.  But I don’t belong here.  I do need …”  You stop short of saying him.  “The Avengers.  You were his family and I don’t have any.  But I just need my own place away from this.”

“You’ll stay nearby?”  He asks sounding relieved.

“Of course.”  

Tony puts his feet back on the desk.  “Alright, well let me know what you need to set your place up.  If that’s it…”

“I’m taking Bucky with me.”

His feet come down and now when he looks at you he looks furious.  “I don’t think that’s going to work at all.”

“Why?  Why not?  He’s miserable here.  You hate him.  It would be better for everyone.”

“Are you two?”  He waves his hand at you.

“No.”

He once again seems relieved.  “Good.  Good.  So why do you care?”

“He’s Steve’s best friend.  You think Steve would want to see him like this?  Just let him come with me.”  You implore.

Tony spins in his chair so he’s facing out the window.  “I can’t.  Both he and Wanda have to remain on Avenger’s property unless on a sanctioned mission.  It was the conditions of his release.”

You take your phone out of your pocket and open up your web browser before sliding it over to Tony.  “This is a four bedroom two bathroom house for sale just on the edge of town, about half an hour to the compound.  It’s $185,000 dollars which I think you will agree is pocket change for you.”

He picks up the phone and looks at it.  “Are you suggesting that I buy this house and register it to the Avengers just so Barnes can live with you in it.”

“You owe me.  Let’s not pretend you don’t.  You owe him too.”

Tony slams his hands on the desk making you jump.  “I don’t owe him shit!”  He yells.  “He killed my parents!”

“No.  He didn’t.”  You say, calmly.

“I saw the footage.  It was him!”

“You know that’s not true.  Not really.  And what does it matter?  You won’t have to have him around any more.  Won’t that be better for you?”  You ask.

He just stares at you not saying anything.  You stay silent too and you don’t break eye contact.  Eventually he breaks.

“Fine.”  He says turning back away from you.  “I’ll make it happen.”

You get up and walk around the desk putting your hand on his shoulder.  He turns and you hug him. He’s startled to begin with but his arms wrap around you.  “Thank you, Tony.”

He grunts and holds you for a little longer before letting you go.  “Okay, get off me.  You’re crushing me with that giant belly of yours.”

You smile at him and ruffle his hair before going to find Bucky.

You find him in his his room lying on the bed listen to music with headphones in.  You lie down next to him and he pops an earbud out of his ear and smiles at you.  “Hey, waddles.  What’s up?”

You punch him in the arm and he starts laughing.  It might be the first time you’ve ever heard him do that.

“You’re such a jerk.”  You say.

Something passes over his features and he frowns for just a second before his smile returns.  “You’re oddly not the first person to tell me that.”  He shifts his body so you’re resting on his bicep.  He feels warm and you snuggle down against him enjoying the contact.  “Did you need something?  Or just felt the need to get into bed with me?”  His metal hand strokes over the large curve of your belly.

“Don’t even joke about that.  I’m so fucking horny at the moment.  You’d be crushed under me.”   You groan.  You look up at the ceiling and take a deep breath.  “When the baby is born, I’m going to move out.”

Bucky’s face falls.  “I - I thought we - that you’d let me…”

You put your hand over his mouth silencing him.  “You want to come with me?”

Bucky shakes his head.  “I can’t.  They won’t let me.”

“I talked to Tony.  We worked something out.  You’d still be under house arrest.  But it would be our house away from the rest of them.”  You explain.

His face lights up and he leans in and kisses you.  It’s just an excited press of his lips against yours but it feels so good, a little part of you wants it to be deeper.  You shake the feeling off and while you watch him the lights suddenly go out behind his eyes and he frowns again.  “Just as friends though?”

“Yeah.  Just as friends.”  You agree.

“Because you’re Steve’s wife.  I like you, doll.  But I couldn’t do that.”  He explains.

“It’s fine.  I miss him too.”  You say.  “And even if I was ready to move on, which I’m not.  He was an anomaly for me.  I don’t do relationships.  They’re messy and they hurt.  I broke my own promise to myself with him and look where that got me.  Broken hearted, widowed and with an orphan about to enter the world.”

“You shouldn’t close your heart off like that.”  Bucky says, reaching over and tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.  “You deserve to find happiness.”

You shrug.  “I don’t think that’s how it works. And I have to believe it doesn’t work like that because if what I’d been served over the course of my life has been what I deserve I must be the worst fucking person on the planet.”  Tears threaten to break again and you rub your eyes.  “It’s the way it is for me.  From now on it’s me and the baby.  I’ll try and make sure she doesn’t grow up as damaged as I am.  Maybe she can get the happy ending that was denied to me.”

Bucky pulls you against him, holding you tightly to him.  “We can get that.  I know we can.”  He murmurs.  You decide for his sake you won’t correct him.


	13. Bucky and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky settle into your new house and make a life together.

Hope Rogers was born at 3.46 am on a Monday night.  The labor was long.  By the time all 9 pound 6 ounces of her entered the world you were exhausted and barely conscious.  Bucky had been by your side the whole 26 hours.  Getting you ice chips.  Letting you lean on him as you walked around.  When you complained about the heat and stripped off your clothes he didn’t even flinch. He put on board shorts and hopped in the shower with you, letting you sleep against his chest as you sat on a chair and he held the shower head on your lower back.  When the shower wasn’t doing it any more, he took you to a bath and kept you head above water as you dozed between contractions.

He held you while you tried to breastfeed Hope for the first time.  When you broke down in tears because you all you wanted Steve to be there, he wrapped his arms around you and let you sob into his chest.

You spend a few days in the Avengers compound.  Letting the others come and ooh and ahh over Hope.  Accepting their help when they offer.  Then, much to Tony’s dismay, you and Bucky leave and move into your new home.

Tony has gone above and beyond for you with the house. It’s fully furnished with brand new furnishing.  There’s even a nursery set up.  Unfortunately he’d had a mural with Captain America painted on the wall and going in there hurt you so much.  Bucky ended up moving the crib and change table into your room with you.

You lie on the bed feeding Hope as Bucky makes her crib up.  You keep finding yourself nodding off.   The help you’d been getting during the day wasn’t enough to catch up on the exhaustion you feel after waking to feed Hope four times the night before.

Bucky comes over and picks her up, putting her in her crib.  You hadn’t even noticed that she’d fallen asleep you were that tired.  He leans over you and kisses your temple.  “Get some sleep, doll.”

You doze off and wake to the sounds of Hope stirring.  You get up to see her looking up at you with her big blue eyes.  She takes after you a lot, but she definitely got those from her dad.  You pick her up and change her carrying her out to the living room.  Bucky is in the kitchen cooking.  He’s wearing a tank top and his hair in a bun and is actually singing to himself.  You can’t tell but you think it might be Katy Perry.  He’s happier than you’ve ever seen him.

“Hey, Buck.  Whatcha doin’?”  You ask.

He turns and blushes.  “I figured we should eat.  You hungry?”

“Yeah.  Thank you.”  You sit at the counter and start making faces at Hope.  She makes intense eye contact with you, which you know won’t last long.  Bucky serves up the spaghetti with the marinara sauce and salad he’s made and slides it in front of you.

“Oh hey, look at how alert she is.”  Bucky says.  “Can I hold her while you eat?”

You hand Hope over and Bucky walks around the living room with her, telling her how pretty she is and talking about things he did with Steve when they were kids.  You have these mixed feelings.  You love seeing Bucky like this.  He is like a new man.  At the compound he tried to make himself small and unnoticeable.  Less than a day away and he’s how you pictured him when Steve talked about him.  Confident and like a small piece of sunshine.  But it should be Steve.  He shouldn’t be telling Steve’s daughter about her father.  Steve should be telling her about his friend.

Before you’ve finished eating Hope starts crying.  You go to get up and Bucky comes over and puts his hand on your shoulder.  “It’s okay.  Finish first.  We’ll be fine.”

He takes her out of the room and you rush down your dinner.  When Bucky returns Hope is doing that little pathetic sob sound but isn’t crying.  You sit down and as you feed her she falls to sleep.

Bucky take her from you and puts her into bed.  When he returns he sits beside you on the couch balancing his plate on his lap.  “How are you doing?”  He asks.

You shrug.  “Am I supposed to have moved on?  I feel like everyone expects me to have?”

Bucky frowns.  “I don’t think anyone expects that.  I know I haven’t moved on.”

You curl up against his arm.  “Is this just our life now?  You and me in this house, pretending to be normal?”

Bucky laughs.  “Doll, I’ll take this over the past 60 years of my life.  This is what I want.  Just to be me, to be safe and to have someone with me who isn’t terrified of me.”

Your heart suddenly breaks for him.  You close your eyes and try and picture what he must have had happen to him.  Broken down and stuck back together as a dark shadow of who he was.  Tortured.  On the run from the people who both loved him and wanted to hurt him for so long.  You were two battered souls who had finally come to rest next to each other.  Maybe it was time to appreciate the still.

“Being safe is definitely a nice feeling.”  I agree.

You and Bucky stay up together until Hope wakes for her 10 o’clock feeding.  You put both her and yourself to bed about an hour later and fall asleep immediately.

You wake a few hours later to the sounds of cries.  You’re confused for a moment and reach for Steve to comfort him.  You then remember that he’s gone.  He hasn’t been here for months.  

After a few beats to get your bearings, you realize it’s Bucky.  Of course he has nightmares.  His life had been up until recently a permanent walking nightmare.  He must have been having them this whole time, but the thick walls at the compound hid his cries.   Now you just have the thin walls of this house separating you.

You slip out of bed and tiptoe past Hope’s crib and into Bucky’s room.

“No, please.  I don’t want to.”  He whimpers, thrashing in the bed.

“Shh… Bucky.  You’re safe.”  You whisper as you approach the bed.

Bucky shakes his head and throws his hands over his head.  “Please don’t.  I’ll do what you say.”

“Bucky… they’re all gone.  You never have to do that again.  Shhh…”  You sit down on the side of the bed and put your hand on his chest.  He flinches at first but slowly he stills.  His heartbeat is racing and his breath is coming in fast and shallow.  You lie down beside him and wrap your arms around him.  “It’s okay, Bucky.  You’re safe.  And I love you.  You don’t have to be scared.”

He stills and his breathing becomes slow and steady.  You rest your head on his chest and drift back off to sleep.

You’re woken an hour later by Bucky shifting from underneath you.  You realize you can hear the very beginning hiccuping whines of Hope crying.  You sit up and Bucky puts his hand on your shoulder.

“It’s okay, doll.  I’ll get her.  You lie back down.”  He says.

You put your head on the pillow and doze back off.  Bucky wakes you by touching your shoulder.  “She’s been changed and just need to be fed.”  He whispers, laying the infant down beside you.  You offer her you breast and she latches on.  She drinks making little peeping sounds and opening and closing her fist on your breast.

“Why are you in here?”  Bucky asks, keeping his voice low and quiet.

“You were having a nightmare.”  You answer.

Bucky hangs his head and looks away from you.  “Oh…”

“Steve used to have them too.  Every night.  He slept better if I was there.  Still had them, but I dunno.  Not as bad or for as long.” You explain, trying to reassure him.

He turns back to you and looks at you.  Trying to assess if you’re lying to him or not.  “Steve had them?”

You nod your head and kiss Hope.  “Every night.”

“I don’t know what to do to make them stop.  I’ve been seeing the psychiatrist.  I think what happened to me is beyond her.”  Bucky says.

“I don’t mind if you want to sleep in with me.  I know that’s not a permanent fix.  But I’m not going anywhere.”  You offer.

Bucky looks at you expectantly.  “You don’t mind?”

You shake your head.  “It’s kind of nice.  I - I said before… Steve was it for me.  I don’t get a happy ending.  I don’t want us to be … well you know.  But we can be our own thing.  Comfort?  A warm body to lie beside.  At least until you get your happy ending.”

Bucky leans in and kisses your cheek and then Hope’s.  “Don’t give up on the happy ending.”

* * *

This becomes your life for the next eight months or so.  You and Bucky raising Hope together.  Sleeping in the same bed.  Making a life out of the scraps available to you.  You’re happy.  Or at least, you’re not miserable.

Hope grows quickly.  Most babies do really.  But even compared to most babies she’s a little ahead on the developmental curve.  At eight months she can pull herself up on furniture and cruise around.  And she can walk if she’s holding someone’s hand.  As long as she has something to hold onto.

Tony has you registered as Bucky’s official handler.  That means that he can actually leave Avengers property, as long as you’re with him.  It gives you just that little bit of extra freedom.  The two of you take morning runs pushing Hope in her stroller.

Bucky gets called in to work with the Avengers more and more frequently.  They seem to start accepting him as one of theirs, instead of seeing him as burden dropped on them by Steve.  Getting to see him with Hope and just spending time with him, seeing the man Steve knew.  They stopped being scared of him and resenting him, and start enjoying his presence.

Bucky gets home from a mission one night while you were giving Hope her bath.  He looks a little battered and bruised and ready for his own bath.  He sits down on the edge of the tub and swishes his fingers in the water.

“How’d it go?”  You asks.

He shrugs.  “It went.”  Hope scoots over to him and starts handing Bucky toys, babbling to him.  “How about my favorite girls?”

“We’re okay.  We worry when you’re on a mission.”   You lean up and kiss his cheek.

“I worry when I’m on one too.”  He says.  He scoots down to the ground and puts his head over the bath.  Hope picks up the sponge and starts wiping his face.  “Tasha asked me out.”

You try and act completely unsurprised.  It doesn’t work it seems.

“Yeah, I know.”  He says.

“I thought because of what happened…”  You say.

He shrugs.  “Yeah, so did I.  I wouldn’t forgive me for that.”

“It wasn’t you though, Buck.”  You say trying to reassure him.

“Still happened.  And god, doll.  It was bad.  If she’s forgiven me…”  He boops Hope on the nose and she starts giggling.  “You have no idea what that means to me.”

You rub your hand up and down his back.  “Did you say yes?”

Bucky shakes his head.  “I told her I’d think about it.”

“Do you like her?”  You ask.

“Yeah.  She’s really cool.  And hot.  Well you know her.”  Bucky laughs.

“So say yes.”  You say.

He sits back and looks between you and Hope.  “You’d be okay with that?  I really love you two.  I don’t want to lose this.”

You pick Hope up out of the bath, and wrap her in a big fluffy towel.  “Buck, you can’t be celibate for me.  If you have a chance for something you should take it.  If anyone deserves it, you do.”

“You deserve it too though.”  Bucky says following you out of the room.  He takes hope from you and dries of her off as you go.

“Bucky, I had it.  Grab it while you still can.”

* * *

For the next four months things change again.  Bucky and Natasha start seeing each other.  They both go slow.  There’s a lot of history and none of it was good, but they do really seem to click.  After a couple of months she starts sleeping over and you get your bed back to yourself.  He sleeps much better with her than he did with you.  You just wish that they weren’t so loud when they had sex.

Bucky is still so devoted to you and Hope though.  You’re glad that Natasha isn’t the jealous type because he sticks to you like glue most of the time.  Hope starts walking when she’s ten months old.  Bucky loves chasing her around the yard.  You get a puppy which you name Cookie.  All four of you, sometimes five if Natasha is there, chase each other around the yard.  It’s as close to real happiness you’ve felt for a long time.

You sit on the stoop blowing bubbles.  It’s a Saturday and the snow has melted and the weather is just beginning to warm up again.  Cookie and Hope squeal and chase the bubbles around the yard and Bucky scoops her up and swings her above his head.

When you see him coming down the path you think you must be dreaming.  Everything starts happening in slow motion.  Natasha is behind him and he stops when he sees you and frowns.  Natasha whispers something in his ear and he starts moving forward again smiling.  You get up and starting running.  Your movement catches Bucky’s attention and he turns to see what’s happening.  He reacts immediately and no sooner are you wrapped in Steve Roger’s arms but Bucky is wrapped around you.

You’re crying before you even realize that it’s happening.  “Oh my god.  I thought you were dead.”  You sob into his chest.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”  He replies and you can hear in his voice he’s crying too.  You all just stand there holding each other.  Natasha standing off slightly awkwardly.  After what feels like an eternity you pull away and look up at him.

“Where were you?  They said you were dead.”  You sniff.

Steve looks at everyone in the yard.  For the first time you notice how battered he looks.  He’s lost weight and he’s filthy and bruised.   “Come inside.  I need to sit.”

You take him inside and while you Bucky and Steve sit on the couch, Natasha goes and makes tea.

Bucky holds Hope on her lap and she wriggles to the floor and toddles around after Cookie.  Steve watches her, mesmerized.

“Hope come here, sweetie.  Come meet your daddy.”  You call, holding your hands out.   Hope toddles over and you lift her up and sit her on Steve’s lap.

“Here’s your daughter, Steve.  Her name is Hope.”  You say.

Steve hugs her and smells the top of her head before breaking down into tears again.  “I missed so much.”

You lean your head on his shoulder and rub his leg.  Eventually Hope fusses and he lets her go again and turns to you and Bucky.

“When that blast came at us, Stephen opened a pocket dimension and dragged us into it.  It was supposed just be temporary.  He can usually move from one to the other, but … I don’t really understand anything that he told me.  There were… demons… something about a power exchange.”  He shook his head and rubbed his hands down his face.  “We had to fight… constantly.  Rocket is not easy to get along with for that long.  I - we - there was this crystal and they needed it.  It was guarded by these - things.  Oh god.”  

You could see his distress having to relive it and you cup his jaw in your hands and kiss him.  He drags your body against his and almost devours you.  There is no doubt in your mind that he has been trying to fight his way back to you for the past year and a half.  He’s had that time stolen from him.  He missed the birth of his daughter.  He missed his best friends gradual return to the man he was.  And he missed you.  You pull back from him and lean your forehead against his.  “Are you hungry?”

“No.  Tony made me eat on the drive over here.”  He answers.

Bucky get’s up and scoops Hope up from the floor.  “Tasha and I will take Hope for a walk okay?  Let you guys get reacquainted.”  

Steve get’s to his feet and hugs Bucky.  “I missed you.”  He says, tears pricking his eyes.

Bucky hugs him back, holding Steve like his life depended on it. “Til the end of the line, pal.  Now, go take a shower with your girl.  You got a good one.”

You lead Steve down to the bathroom.  “So Natasha and Bucky?”  He asks.

You smile.  “Yeah.  She calls him James and he calls her Tasha.  It’s really cute.”

“Did you…?”

You shake your head.  “You know me, Steve.  It was hard enough for you to convince me to settle down.”

You enter the bathroom and turn on the shower.

“Bucky lives here?”  He asks.

“Yeah.  Tony bought it.  He wasn’t dealing with being at the compound well, but he’s not allowed to leave Avengers property unless he’s with a handler.”  You explain as you start to undress him.  “Anyway… he’s been much happier here with me and Hope.  And I’m glad he was here.  I don’t think I could have done it without him.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.  Thank you for taking care of him.”  He says, pulling you against him.  He sounds so sincere and thankful, you hold yourself against him and you don’t let go until he does.

You lead him into the shower and as he stands under the hot water you pick up a loofa and clean him from head to toe.  He has been through hell.  You can see his ribs, and there are large scars along his back and down his side.  When he’s clean you turn him to face you.  Your gentle touching has made his cock rock hard and it leaks precome.

“Steve, no more okay?  You’ve given enough. It’s time to just have something for you.”  You whisper.

He nods.  “I can’t.  I can’t do it any more.”

You wrap your arms around him and he nuzzles into your neck for a moment before lifting you off the ground.   He kisses you, pressed against the wall, your legs wrapped around his waist.  You melt into him.  You thought this would never happen again.  That you’d never have him holding you.  You’d never feel the touch of his soft lips against yours.

He lifts you onto his shoulders and he nuzzles at your pussy before sucking at your folds.  Heat floods your cunt and you moan leaning back against the shower wall bracing yourself on the wall.   He laps at you, his tongue flat licking over your entrance and up to your clit.  He focuses his tongue on your clit before sucking it into his mouth and flicking his tongue over it.   He moans softly as his tongue explores every inch of your pussy.   Each muffled grunt expressing his pure pleasure.

You don’t keep quiet either.  It’s been too long.  You give yourself completely to him.  Letting your orgasm come and crash down over you.  Your body clenching and your cunt spasming.

He sets you on your feet and kisses you deeply, his hands in your hair.  You lick your juices from his lips.

“Let’s go to bed.”  He growls.  You nod and switch off the water.   As soon as you wrap your towel around you he picks you up and moves into the hallway.  You point him in direction of your room and he carries you down there.

He drops you on the bed and crawls up between your legs, his fingers go to your pussy stroking up and down.  “Do you want me to do the thing with my fingers?”  He asks.

You shiver in anticipation.  “Yes, please.”  You squeak.

He pushes two of his fingers inside of you, curling them and stroking them inside you. Drawing out your wet.  You mewl and wriggle underneath him.  His lips meet yours again, his tongue pushes into your mouth and you yield to him.  Giving him complete access to you.

Your head fogs, and a third finger enters you.  He drags them over your g-spot again and again.  You feel like you’re on fire.  You arch of the mattress and moan his name.  “Oh god, Steve.  Please.”  

He spreads his fingers inside you.  “Feel that?”  He growls.

“No bigger than that.”  You whimper.

He looks into your eyes, a soft smile on his lips.  “That’s right.”

“Oh god, I love you, Steve.  Don’t  ever leave me again.”  You squeak and pull him down into a kiss.

While you kiss, he pulls his fingers away and his cock thrusts into you.   You gasp as he fills you.  Clinging to his back.  He rests his forehead on yours.  Staring into each other’s eyes.  Breathing each other’s air.  You slip your hand down in between the two of you and stroke from his shaft to your clit.

You both come apart.  You cry out, grasping at him.  He moans your name as he comes inside you in quick pulses.

You lie holding each other until his cock stills.   He rolls onto his side and strokes his fingers over your belly.

“I’m sorry I left you alone.”  He says, his eyes darting away from you.

You touch his cheek.  “Don’t worry about that.  You lost time again Steve.  Let’s just make it up.”

He nods and you snuggle up against him.  “I see you Steve Rogers.”  You whisper.

He smiles.  “I see you too, Mrs Rogers.”


End file.
